ENDLESS HONEYMOON

         

                          

                                        DEDICATIONS.

                                    To God, the author of marriage.

                                                            &

All friends and beloved yeaning to meet God’s target in their marriages.

                                      ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS         

I am     grossly indebted to the readers of this book in its first edition. Thousands of copies published and sold out to the teaming population within Nigeria, Africa and beyond. Seeing the needs for proper information about a matter which appears to be of general interest of the entire human race, it pleased my heart to appreciate the immeasurable contribution of NEMAC research companions. My involvement in this research companions in pursuit of the possible solution to marital problems led to the uniqueness of this new edition.

I also owe unmentionable appreciation to friends whose treatment of the problems that attempted to usurp the peace in their families has contributed in the experience developed and explored to enrich this edition. To all my clients I pray for God’s blessing in their families. 

           

I still did not forget individuals and personalities whose encouragements and demands have lead to this edition. I say thanks to you all.

                                                FOREWARD.

I feel honoured to write the forward note of a book that appears to present a microcosmic evolvement of humanity from infantry (naivety and ignorance) to death. Of a truth it is an honour to identify with a work of this magnitude, a work that bothers on a course which, in life, may be considered inevitable. God has chosen to make the subject of concern known to people in a manner that men can have no excuse for going contrary to His instructions. I have read many marriage books written by people who sometimes merely cast back their minds on what they thought should have been done to meet the prime purpose for instituting marriage, but they do this after they have made series of mistakes in their own marriages. Here is a book that exposes those areas that are yet to be attained by couples to meet God’s purpose for setting up marriage.

In detail, unlike what we found in numerous other books written on the same topic, marriage, this book is unique in its mode of narrative and detailed treatment of topics. The topics are arranged in a manner that makes it look serial, treating each chapter as though desiring to correct the erroneous treatment of the topic by other writers. All these were in the attempt to create avenue for the possibility of the honeymoon which is endless.          

You are holding a book that teaches you concerns for one another, loving somebody without enslaving him, having positive self concept for oneself, your search for a partner and peace in your home by balancing up some extra knowledgeable marital equations. It exposes you as well to the concept of oneness in your union. I recommend this book to you. Catch the inspiration and hidden knowledge exposed in this book, and do not limit God’s standard for using the vessel of his choice.

This book will be beneficial to the married ones as well as those who are yet to get married. It is a tonic for every couple aspiring to build a better home. The language used is simple, Biblical and explicit; the terms used are very well explained to enhance understanding in the readers. The quotations are very rhythmical to the correspondence of the information that prompted their usage. The book will be helpful in curbing several challenges confronting various marriages. Grab a copy.

Chimmuanya Nnaji.

A writer and a literary critic.

                         PREFACE TO THE NEW EDITION.

As days glide issues continue to spring up demanding the attention of the individuals in the neighbourhood or people around the victim of the recurring circumstances. Attempts and strategies mustered to create workable solutions to any of these confrontations over time have formed the more reason for which books are edited. The need for this edition has come from the wonton desire to create a lasting solution to those discovered problems that have ceaselessly hunted the peace of many families. The same reason has given rise to the inclusion of some chapters which were not in the original manuscript as contained in the first edition.

The first publication made me realize what professor Chinua Achebe meant when he said that a writer is a teacher. The first edition brought me closer to many families that needed my attention order than just reading the book itself. Through this attempt I came to understand that there are people suffering unmentionable problems that rob family peace. After attending to these families I saw the need to revisit all that I have treated and create some added situations that will assist in making endless honeymoon attainable.

Many are the things we ignore in our daily lives as couples. Those things, we do not actually understand, are some of the component of the life wire of relationship in our life generally. Our ignorance to the reality of the manifestation of this concept keeps us aloof from realizing what to do for one another to sustain the feelings in us. We cannot escape love in our union, it doesn’t matter how imagination may dice within us. It is the base of our soul. The earlier we realize this the better time we begin to work towards making it a timeless life to be lived in our marriages. This is the base of the addition of the sixth and seventh chapters. We need to give attention to each other and search our hearts back to the things we know our partner has treasured. Our pursuit to actualize this brings us closer to the point where our hearts are mutually interconnected for a lasting union all through our life time.

Another thing we need to understand is that marriage is an institution of its own. No body is perfect in it except for God’s grace. Everybody involved in it is expected to prepare his mind to learn. You learn your new home, learn your partner and learn what to do to make the marriage last. That is why on many instances what one person did to sustain his marriage may not work out for another person. The best way to survive as I have stated here is a preparation of one’s mind to learn. I have suggested several approaches that will help us in our various homes. I chose to discuss those areas or aspects I know are inevitable if we have chosen to achieve Endless Honeymoon in our marriages. My pursuit is to achieve a lasting relationship where the couple shall burn continually in their love for each other till their old age. The keen interest to achieve this has taken us this far.      

An interesting old age is built in the mind first through a careful beginning. Take heed to your hearts and the feelings in them. Don’t take decision when your mind is chaotic and learn to give listening ears to your partner. The dream you built before the marriage should guide you and don’t allow anything to distract you from focusing on that dream. With this steady in you, being guided by it, you shall achieve this.

Esther C. Nnamani.
                     






                                 TABLE OF CONTENTS

Dedication.

Acknowledgements

Foreword.

Preface.

                        PART ONE

            SEARCHING FOR ONE ANOTHER.

Chapters:

One:      Finding Your Right Partner.

            How to search for the right partner,

            Your partner is not created but made.

            Must my partner come from my church?

Why one needs to fined the right partner.

           

Two:   Betrothal and the Hunt of Factors.

            Moral/habitual factor.

            Spiritual requirement not met.

            Deviation from the focus of a partner.           

           

Three: Balancing Marital Equations            Orders in sexual relationship.

            Spiritual factor.

            Skeletal factor

            Material/intellectual factor

                        PART TWO:

            ATTAINING THE REALM OF ONENESS.

Four: Selves in a Self Made One.

            Equality of the conception.

            The two selfs in a self made one.

           

Five:  Oneness in the Spirit.

            When the residue is perfected.

            Building a residue of your own.

                                    PART THREE

            BUILDING THE MIND TOWARDS ENDLESS LOVE

Six: Preserving your First Love.

            Being naked to each other.

            Redefining your partner.

            Learning to be patient.

           

Seven: Handling Spirit Spouse.

Eight “---and he shall Receive a Favour from the Lord.”
           

                                          PART ONE.

                        SEARCHING FOR ONE ANOTHER.
     

The essence of searching is to discover and know better about things to awaken and quicken one’s ignorance. Many matters about life, even to the point of one’s own self, are concealed from many people’s sights; they are subject to a thorough research through which means the observed are known to free troubled minds from the course that betides them. Concepts of life are very allusive, not all are known and not all must be known at a time, in some cases many are not known at all. One is discovered now and another next time, all leading to the liberation of the mind. Therefore, to fine, one needs to excavate beyond the part known and explored already. Nevertheless, those discovered must not be avoided as their acknowledgment creates a profound propensity towards exploring the unknown.  

            Matters concerning marriage are also never overemphasized as they form our daily activities, lives and attached closely to our life pleasantries within the space of time one has to dwell here on earth. Many family keepers develop untimely fatigue and many, due to family crises, die before their actual time. No knowledge about marriage is enough. Irrespective of how old a particular marriage may be, there are some intricacies the couple still needs to discover and know. A lot of matters are concealed, yet to be known. This is the abstruseness of God.  Even writers; whether one chooses to write by inspiration in which case intricacies and psycho-spiritual concepts are discovered and passed across, or by experience, in which case he depends on the objective aspect, there is no how he can claim homer of marital matters. The best way, however, is to share from the both sources so that one can accentuate, explicate, exemplify, buttress and be specific about the solution he proffers.

            Until heaven comes, every aspect of life and endeavour has places yet to be explored. Well, this is an exotic disillusionment. What am I saying? You have done nothing to have enough knowledge about your very self, talk more your marriage, that you cannot search, except you want to subject your mind to a random of less growing keen. You must search to discover, even the deepest things, if the ethereal are all discovered. Search for parts, search for advice, search for knowledge and wisdom, search for the hidden things about your children and even posterity. As you read on you will see reasons to your own mind on why you should search and possibly find. 

                                   Chapter One.

                        Finding your Right Partner.

Marriage is a life venture which virtually everybody on earth for several reasons dreams or had dreamed to engage himself in. reasons abound that internally prompt one to think about being married. From the way people strive to get involved in this aspect of life others who have not witnessed the heat involved think there is no problem with marriage. But in the real idea, there is no marriage without huddle and thorns to pass through. As many are striving to enter, many also are seeking for a better means to opt out. Be as it may, marriage is enjoyable. It is an achievement and an attainment in life. It marks the peak of one’s growth and development which climaxed with old age and naturally, death. Except for religious and personal reasons, marriage is optionally mandatory. In the African concept, marriage is seen as a compulsory duty provided one is of the age to get married.  

            Marriage is an attempt, an affair; it is a situation in life that takes place once in a whole lot of years one dwells here on earth. For this reason, it demands a lot of care. Life is all about choice; it is also about mistakes and very much circular on risk taking. Risk taking? Yes, all around. The matter about choosing one with whom to spend the rest of your life with is an open field of jeopardy. The person you have chosen, despite how far you may appear to have known him, you cannot tell truly about the personality in him. Therefore, to stay together for the rest of your lives is as well as accepting a risk without any insurance policy. For this reason you must search in order to fine a more fitting person.

            Several factors lie that militate against the willingness to search. These factors include: spiritual, structural, psychological factors, colour bar, colour problems and genetic factors etc. Each of these factors has impending values to choice making. Spiritual factor is supposed to be more dependent, but the same has been faked overtime by many who, for the lucre they experienced on one part, have resorted to lying in the name of the Holy Ghost haven spoken when He had never spoken. At the end it will be discovered that he or she had been driven by fantasies and outward beauty or wealth. Genetic factor should be more dependable but today had been riddled by HIV and other diseases. Seeing that all of these factors cannot be depended on, the need then arises to depend on the soul pattern, the standard set by the institutor of marriage Himself. And in knowing this we have to return to the genesis of the concept. From the beginning, over this matter, the scripture has one answer which has been to search.

            Abraham sought for Sarah before they got married to each other. A writer said that Abraham prayed and Sarah was revealed to him as his wife. This is not true. The scripture does not contain such statement. This kind of indoctrination is not proper; it doesn’t matter from whom it has come. God began His meeting with Abraham, according to the scripture, after he had married Sarah. Gen. 11 & 12. He rather accounted for what he does not know. Abraham, the same, sought for Sarah, loved and desired her before they got married to each other. Nevertheless, the search for Sarah may not have been conducted by Abraham himself, as was the situation at his time. Terah, his father may have done the search for him. Whichever way this may have been done, as long as it depends on choice of either family kind or person’s type, it is searching. At the time of Isaac, the injunction/instruction had been “search for her.” Until now the standard has not changed and it will never change. Just as the teacher would say “he that finds a---,” that is the bedrock. This implies that greater duty awaits he that desires to find in a way that he has to do the greater part of the job. It also mean that searching is inevitable; one must search to find.

            The common fact is that one must search for the other. It is very possible that your partner to be may be revealed to you through one means or the other. Very good and commending, but to get the real person, the tendency remains that you must search and try to find. It took Eleazer a whole day to find Rebecca. To accomplish this he had to pass the night. And when he finally found her he was able to know her through the assistance of the substance he built to serve as the evidence of the very person he was looking for. the evident remained too obvious distinguishing her from other women in this modern setting, considering her pattern of child training. She stands out in child training. Timothy’s mother and Moses mother toed her steps and were able to achieve the level of training they purposed to their children at their different time. This brings us closer to the key point of the discussion. What is your purpose for searching? God had ever honoured our choice on this ground. It shall surely be unto you according to your purpose of searching when your purpose of searching is not driven by fanfare and materialism.

How to search for the right partner

Before we progress, it may be helpful and easy to understand my explanation of this process if we first draw our analysis from the scripture. The concept finding a wife, scripturally, started with the life of Isaac and Rebecca. And for a better understanding of the scriptural recommendations on this matter we must understand how this was done. Now, let us see how Rebecca was sought and found. The scripture informs us thus:

So Abraham said to the oldest servant of his house, who ruled over all that he had, “Please, put your hand under my thigh, and I will make you swear by the LORD, the God of heaven and the God of the earth, that you will not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell; but you shall go to my country and to my family, and take a wife for my son Isaac.” Gen 24:2-4

Isaac here is seen in the naivety of the whole event. He had no knowledge about choice making and what to do to get the real person that will promote the dream his father had inculcated in him. The choice here is properly pictured through his father. Abraham was concerned with finding the woman that can promote the perpetuation of the incorruptible seed which had traced its way through the son of promise, Isaac. To achieve this single purpose, Abraham has to override Isaac superimposing his own decision, still to his favour. He made Eleazer swear under God to find the person that will meet the dream he had for his son.

            Did you see what Abraham did here? This is the role of parents. He did not decide on whom to choose. He did not tell Eleazer the particular family or colour of the girls from whom to choose. He only instructed him thus because he lived in the midst of the Canaanites and can tell better the kind of life they were living. The Canaanites were trouble makers and he did not want Isaac to bear a child with that kind of blood. So, as a father, he doesn’t want such blood to follow his linage. To avoid this he prayed Eleazer to swear that he must carry out his instruction. Now look at how Eleazer did the search. First he prayed according to the instruction he was given. Secondly, he set up his objectives that will help him to understand the person when he finds her. Then he began to watch the girls, making requests. That was how he made success in the search for Rebecca.

            To search for the real partner one doesn’t just handpick anybody he see attractive to his eyes, he must follow a set up procedure for doing this. First, he must set objectives. This I called setting a substance of the exact thing you desire. Note: the objectives you set must not necessarily be on physical or material attainment, it should be on mannerism; behaviour not fanfare. The essence of setting up objectives is for you to have a direction and be focused. Again, the objectives you set must contain unusual circumstance. Look at what Eleazer set as his objectives.

And let it come to pass, that the damsel to whom I shall say, Let down thy pitcher, I pray thee, that I may drink; and she shall say, Drink, and I will give thy camels drink also: let the same be she that thou hast appointed for thy servant Isaac; and thereby shall I know that thou hast shewed kindness unto my master. Gen 24:14

He knew that it is relatively easy for many of the girls to give him water to drink. To make it unusual, he added that the person should on her own accord request that she may give to his camel to drink also. This is relatively unusual among girls behaviours. This is because virtually every girl you see on the street, church, school and market is always in a hurry for one or more reasons. They are always busy even when they are doing nothing. There is no day a girl doesn’t have something so pressing to do. But many of these things, if you consider them, are chasing after mere shadows. So, under such heavy demand by her time, it will be easy for her to give you water to drink, but not giving your camel also. It is difficult to find a girl who can easily think of this let alone doing it, except those raised from homes.

            To get unusual roles, look for those roles that are usually swept under carpets in various homes. Place your objectives on them and watch out for who will descend so low to remember and do them. After setting them, pray to God upon them. Any girl you find doing them must have come from a home, not from a house. She is a wife, approach her and make her your wife. You will never regret in life for having her as your wife. You see the modern girls aim higher because they understand that it is what men desire today. They are not ready to stoop low. That is the major cause of infidelity and various family crises today. This type of women cannot promote endless honeymoon because their love cannot stay when the journey of life becomes tough. Men too have their own areas. For a girl who would wish to search, there are objectives she will set and it will work out for her. The objective that works for one girl may not work for another girl because men do not have a steady character. The age long objective for men had been caring but this has failed so many girls. I may not be correct if I should state any process for men here. All I can advise is prayers for the girl, having your desired quality in your mind.         

            The search, it should be noted, is not restricted to a particular gender; it is not the male alone who should search. The girl also should search, but she has a procedure to follow. Following our culture, the male only is advisably permitted to search. But in this matter, the modern day’s girls should not keep quiet. She too should pray and search for her partner. The procedure required for this is; she should pray and find her man. It may not be advisable to meet the person after he is revealed to her. After praying and her prayers are answered, she should still pray that her partner should locate her. The need for her further prayers is on how she may identify her partner when she is located. As long as the man can search, the girl also can search. If she should wait, it might take a long time before her partner will locate her. Her prayers and search will help reduce the time. Stop complaining that no man has ever asked for your hands in marriage. You too can search and find a man for yourself. It is ideal in the modern setting. With your continuous prayers you can be located.      

      For a concomitant marital solidification in which case the couple works in the same mind to come in place, either or both of the couple must search and possibly find each other. The matter must not end at your alter of prayers. You must back your prayers up with search. Learn from Abraham who prayed and caused his servant to swear before sending him out for the search according to his instruction. You cannot avoid praying, but as you pray you should as well be watchful less you miss the right person unknowing to you. While you search, you should be mindful that God had never created anyone for you already; instead, He will make the person for you.

Your right partner is not created but made.

This, I know, appears very skeptical because of the type of teachings we have received from people and books. But the plain truth is there: your right partner is not created for you; instead he is made to meet for you. Now, let us go to the beginning and see marriage in its raw state.

And the LORD God said, it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Gen 2:18

To understand me better you may read verses 19 through 22. God created everything but for man He made, not created. The idea related in verse 27 of chapter one is of generic concept and particularized on the later statement thus, “…make…” a deeper analysis of this idea is in chapter one of part three. From Adam here, it could be deduced that all that needed to be created has been fully created, therefore, for the reason of procreation, God only owes the sole duty of making a helper meet for Adam. That is, a partner that conforms to Adam’s person. God saw the worries in Adam for a helper before He made for him his helper. This has been the situation since time immemorial. Except in an exceptional case like that of brother Hosea, the scripture had never recorded anywhere where God, HIMSELF, instructed anybody to pick anyone for a wife. Why? It is because God rested and does not create further, instead He makes. And hitherto, God is still in the business of making, not creating. All the couples in the scripture did search and found themselves. At the time of Sister Ruth, Naomi did the praying for her while she did the searching by herself.

           

            Note:                            what

                                            God does is

                                       that he, according

                                 to your prayers, looks into

                               your weaknesses which need

                             to be completed through the life

                              of your partner and makes her

                                to  meet you at that point. If

                                   she does not meet, then

                                       she is not a helper

                                          made for you.

                                             She is not

                                                yours

This is where the problem lies for which I have advised earlier that you seek first the presence of God and allow Him to direct you in your search. God is not an author of confusion.

            The place of choice making in marriage is the cross-road of decision taking. It is the very point where god honoured the will of man. Being the God he is, His ear is ever open to listen to the request of people who will table their mind throbbed matters to Him. Following the will of God in our search simply means surrendering to the ultimate purpose of God for creating marriage. This, however, is different from asking God to make your marriage His project. By this it implies that your own will, choice and dream for a particular level of marital attainment are removed, surrendering to whatever, whenever, wherever, whoever and however it may please Him to run your family; not as your own but as his project. In other words, even if your partner is a thief or a harlot you are prepared to harbour him. One might say that God cannot give him a harlot or a thief. Such is the thought of men. And who told you that God may not do this? You may wish to read the history of Hosea and his marital journey to see that nothing is impossible with God.

            Hosea epitomized the ideal life of a family who decisively surrendered to the total will of God. He allows Him to choose for him his wife, tell him when to procreate for the first time, the second and the subsequent times. And I wish to still inform you that Hosea’s marriage ended up as immediate as the project God had to achieve through the union was over. Inasmuch as you will want to desire among persons, blood groups and genotypes, educational background, height, or intend to follow a particular method of family planning, you invariably choose to follow the concept of search and find as we saw with Abraham. Adam desired it before god made someone meet for him, Abraham desired and it was done to him through his search. Many other people with good reports also did and God made for them people that completed the weaknesses in them. You too can do the same. In this way one can fulfill the marital requirement in your own union.

            Marriage is created for human consumption. It is created to satisfy the lonely feeling of man in other to relax him and focus him towards the roles assigned to him by his creator. Man’s will, as long as this is concerned, is never overruled. It is for this reason that the teacher stated it very clear that it is your duty to fine for yourself following the directives of God. Nobody is naturally created for you purposefully; he/she is rather made. At the right time or your own turn to search, God, having seen your ability and follies, makes for you an already created person to suit your imbalances. This is the aspect of completeness that people normally speak about.

Must my partner be from my church?

I wish to consider no sentiment here. It is not a must that your partner will be of the same church with you. Marriage does not have much thing to do with your denomination. It is a denomination of its own. Several cases of this kind have been treated in NEMAC and our answers have been the same to all of them. The answer is simply, NO. I mean capital no. Our discussion from the first page of this chapter ought to have clarified this aspect. But since we are determined to tackle infidelity to the far our words can carry, it may not be proper if we neglect it. From the treatment we have done so far, it was realized that girls are the victims of this very circumstance. The boys usually have a narrow way of escape. They appear to have strong hearts to undermine their parents who have been the architect of this problem.

            In the month of June 2009 a girl ran to us over this same problem. On her own case, she is a Catholic member together with the rest of her family members. Her mother is a staunch member of the Catholic Women Organization (CWO). The mother has even gone too far in the religious grouping that she was given “Ezi nne” (Christian mother) title by the Catholic faithful. This automatically becomes a problem holding this girl from getting married in her 29 years of age. The mother would not want her daughter to marry outside Catholic Church. On the contrast, the man who has been waiting for the mother to have a change of mind is an Anglican. Outside this very boy, other boys who had tried their hands on her were all from another church.

            This was one of the serious cases among this kind that we have treated. It was serious because it involves a Catholic faithful. We thought of going to see the woman but a thought came into us. We knew the mother would find it very hard to listen to anybody in a case like this, except her Reverend father. So, we had to sit the girl down for advice. First we made her understand that marriage is an institution of its own which should not be interrupted by religious interest of any external body. And moreover, what she was trying to do is not sinful in any way. In the summary we reminded her that her father was a pagan when the mother got married to him although he latter joined her to her church. In that regard she too can marry someone outside her denomination. But all these did not hold water. What we did latter was to ask the boy to understand with the girl if really he loves her and wants to take her for a wife. Thank God he understood. What he did was to except to be baptized in Catholic and wed there too. After their wedding they join back to the man’s church. That is where they are till today. The girl’s mother did not kill herself. But this is not ideal in any form.

            Look, a girl does not have a church. She belongs to her husband’s church. In a case where she can convince the man to change to her own church, fine. That is up to them both. Note; denomination is not supposed to be a barrier to marriage provided the partners can tell of each other’s faith in whatever they appear to believe together for a better understanding. Your parents cannot come over to run your home for you. Except you have chosen to make mockery of your home. It is an exceptional institution and affair of you and your partner. Your parents have but very little role to play. Their role mainly is to give advices when their attention is needed. If one continues to wait until when someone from her church becomes for her it may take long. Sometimes the girl may end up not finding anybody. Marriage is permitted within the same village, background, tribe and religion. But when the partners appear to understand themselves and are made up to take on each other, the difference in any of these should not be allowed to militate against. By the way, do we still remember that Nahor the brother of Abraham and the father of Rebecca was a pagan? If we remember this, then we may have to ask ourselves why Abraham chose to choose a wife for his Christian son from the family of a pagan. And should that be a mistake? I still wish to remind you that Jacob made the same mistake too even when God had visited him in the dream. You may wish to use your head and think why God did not caution him not to marry a pagan.

            Our problem is that we are too inquisitive for nothing. That is why someone will have to leave the man she had loved simply because of what her pastor said. We pursue shadow instead of the real thing. I am a Christian and I know that the Bible does not recognize anything like denomination; everybody is one under one umbrella, Christ. We shouldn’t let things ethereal displace us of the real thing. The fact is, our pastors would want to wed couples in their churches for the sake of spoil. But this is not very ideal. Marriage is all about the preparedness of the partners to take on themselves on the bases that they are mutually affectionate and compatible. We shouldn’t suffer our children and members to perish. If you find a person outside your church, please marry him, you may not be opportune to see another person. Remember you are in a time when the numerical strength lies on the female. I am a woman; I cannot tell you a lie even though we seem to ignore this fact. Stick very tight to the one you have, men are scarce.  

Why one needs to search for the right partner.

Two main reasons, among numerous others, lie for which one needs to search and find his suiting partner. These two are to me the most required things in this venture. The first is a reason so common to every man. Being a general desire, it remains paramount in the heart of men. The second reason may not be considered general in nature as it is dependent on persons and what he hopes to achieve in the marriage. These reasons we shall try to consider here.

            Every individual, no matter who he may appear to be, has a particular reason different from others which he wants to fulfill by putting himself in a marital position. Different people have different reasons, but generally, procreation had been the cardinal point in the mind of greater population. Outside this lie other reasons which are personal. The more general reason is however spontaneous with everybody, except for some reasons that are personal or religious inclined. Attempting to know this spontaneous reason, we shall return again to the beginning.

  

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female

created he them. Gen 1:27.

There is an instinct, a feeling, a gap which everyman has always worked seriously desiring to bridge up. This is an internally enhanced level of maturity which every human, willingly or not, had worked hard to attain. It is simply a balance of the body. Yes, the body is created two-in-one, consistently. But these two are grafted into one body and made to endure till the time of completion when the one shall split, giving rise to another body; still not different from the former. The essence of the search this time is to actually find and locate that split part of your own body to make you complete. That is the saying above.

            When God made man in His own image, according to the scripture, the Adam created bothered in him another human which later was detached and made to manifest in the likelihood of the same Adam, wearing, this time, another personality, SEX. Get the statement better, “in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.” the dissatisfaction and unconformity which Adam found staying with the rest of the creatures, without his own likeness was the sole thing that created the opportunity for God to return and split him for the manifestation of the afore attached person. Detail of this idea is in part three of this book. What our attention should be is on the condition of Adam’s heart which led to the later creation. The same has been the spontaneous condition of our hearts individually which had and is requesting God’s attention to build a suit for us.

            On another hand, naturally, human beings consist of two bodies; the soul and the body. The soul as an instinct is naturally unique of its own. To every individual is a particular soul; it has no semblance to another person’s. It represents the presence of God in man and it is accountable to God. It has no part in the external features of man, but the activities of the body affect it grossly. All aesthetics, exhilarations, pains and sufferings, in the time being, belongs to the body. Therefore, on the part of marriage, it is the duty of the body to understand the request of its content but how to fulfill it lies in the hand of God who, in turn, calls it into existent.          

            Unlike the soul, the body possesses qualities and feelings alike with others’. These similar feeling hearts seek continually for the other. It is an incessant feeling, so rapacious that each could hardly extricate itself from the gluing strength. The feeling is never satisfied until it meets its colleague. But, to finally meet, the heart on many occasions suffers long. On this process, the corresponding heart may make mistake to cling to another. On countless cases this search had been influenced by external factor which usually ignites the heart and try to change its focus. Nobody is free from the tide which external factors pose to search; Christians and none. The only difference remains that Christians have been equipped with the spirit of endurance, and their closeness to God does always assist them than those of the latter. Nevertheless, everybody is susceptible to this mistake; it only takes the special grace of God to overcome external factors and pressure.

            Following this reason, many people had decided to live a set of restricted life that often times repel people from them. This may be, in a bid to see that they do not fall folly to the same aberration that has overtaken many. People that give their lives attention may flippantly conclude that such person(s) is selective or very secluded. These attempts had kept many away from the real encounter that should have exposed them to their partners. They look scaring and give no attention to the way people feel about them. They usually feel it doesn’t matter until they, by themselves, come to understand that they are the true cause of their problem. But this strictness does no last. As soon as he/she fines the compact heart he will melt beyond words. That is why it should be advised that one in the search should not conclude on the appearance of his pair. Many are so because of the kind of upbringing they had received. Different religious groups also should assist in making the real fact about marriage known to their followers. Religion has suffered many girls to perish in this journey. It is when this search by the two individual hearts is fulfilled that they can say, of each other; this is the rib of my bones and the flesh of my flesh. Maybe you have not been told, marriage needs your consent, your decision and your approval about your own partner even your confirmation of him. It was Adam who taught us this when he said,

                                    “This is now bone of my bones

                                    And flesh of my flesh;”

This is the first reason.

            On the second reason, we look into lives after marriage; the categories of women. Women worthy for marriage are categorized in two ways. These are considered in the level of fulfillment they are able to achieve by overcoming the huddles and shortcomings of their husbands through obedience. These sets of women were commended because of their loyalty to their husbands. A good example of them is Sarah, followed by Ruth, Hannah and Esther.

            The level of loyalty associated with Sarah was the type that she accepted to take the part of a slave, obeying every bit of Abraham’s words. Sarah, for the sake of the safety of her husband, to allege his fear, accepted to serve the king of Egypt; even when it was not palatable for her but she had for necessity to do it because of the hope ahead. Her primary concern was on how to make Abraham happy. After this group, the next set of women is those who, by themselves, set examples on child training. Here we have women like Rebecca, Moses mother and Lois.

            This obviously clarifies us that some women are specialists and professionals in, either fulfilling their husband love or perfecting child training. It is possible that the whole features can be found in one person. Now, it lies on what your demand is for which you seek to find a partner. Whichever one, present it to God for a making. Then, by His directives, you search to find the person. It is for the fulfillment of this requirement that the teacher says, “whoso finds a wife finds a good thing…” these among other things are the good things he finds alongside.  

                                                Chapter Two

                  Betrothal and the Hunt of Factors
     

The nemesis that hunted the couples of old in our various societies have made youths to be optimistic and zealous to search for what would promote the success and continuation of the peace in their marriage at their own time. The mutual coexistence they had for others, with respect to this problems in view, had dared them to make some pronouncement and promises to those they felt they had examined their life style and it appears to suit their own life style. Overdone with the assessment they intend to carry, they had made promises to themselves to be prospective couples. In their minds they had particular kinds of couples they wouldn’t want to live the way they do. To achieve this single purpose, they engage themselves, stating some of the things they wanted to achieve and the ones they wouldn’t want to experience in their time as a couple.

            The benefit of this form of premarital experience is enormous; nevertheless, it is not devoid of some impending factors. One of the benefits is that it allows the prospective couple the chance enough to examine themselves and assess their discovering with the expectations that had propelled them to do so. Many that met each other on time do choose for themselves the discipline to study in schools. Many, through this process fell into better hands and their families serving as example for younger generation aspiring to go into marriage. To others the whole attempts amounted to a long lasting wound and regret which stock into their skin like a stigma.

            My research on this topic proves that 25 out of 100% of the youths who engaged in this proposed marriage annually succeed while 75% of the betrothal arrangement ended up in mirage. In this research, a sample of 25 youths was collected. Relating this observation to the wider view of the concept we conclusively asserted that the same rate remains standard for the greater population in other societies. The figure may however vary or possibly reversed depending on individuals and purposes. Looking critically into the problem we may blame some factor for the persistence of the problem. Some of these factors are highlighted below.

            Moral/habitual factor.

The general factor that controls the act of selection in marriage is habit. The behaviour of the girl forms the fundamental principle and rules towards choice making in marriage. This is so because women in every society are morally conditioned to show the manner of behaviour that tells more of their inner persons. And men, on the other hands, appear to believe that the behaviour of any girl is the empirical prove of her real person. They go the far trying to relate the girl’s behaviour to her family background and attempt to weigh her in a same scale with her parents’ behaviour. Many drew conclusion about the girl’s behaviour that her parents have failed in their child training.

            In the African context, a good child is discovered through her condescending character. It is very apparent for the Africans to believe that the nature of one family is seen in the life of their children. So the males believe they needed no further consideration of any family as long as they have a girl born into such family around. But this belief is not true for every girl. Nevertheless, the simple truth is that every display of girls is given a prim attention to by the boys. The more dangerous of the boys appear to play over all the actions the girl exhibits but the girl will not know that he is attentive to it. This reason has made many girls to be abandoned after a long time friendship. Although many girls have not given attention to this part of their lives, the boys do not take many of these lightly.

            The most bothering circumstance exists with a long time engagement. It gives the male partner the chance enough for the assessment of the girl. And as the relationship lasts longer the girl feels relaxed. By this time she begins to give up seclusion to some of the characters she had for long hidden from people outside. She feels at home and relaxed, hoping that everything is concluded about the marriage. Suddenly, when the boy had dully gathered all that he had experienced he will look for one reason to bolt out.

            To get what really is the behaviour of any girl you have to meet her at home. Give her sudden visits. Another way is by enquiry method. If peradventures the, would be, husband discovers a strange behaviour which perhaps, might be the character of her’s, but hidden, or that it just sprung up newly, such person will find his way on time. To some men, provided enough time is given, no tactfulness can perpetually conceal ones behaviour from their discovering. Except if they have lost interest in the consideration. When such change crops up, many a man is bound to break their promises and separate themselves.

            And like I said in chapter one that the heart is at incessant search, it is very possible that either of the partners have find another person with a more pleasing habit. As a result, one can change his/her mind and the promise averted.

            Spiritual requirement not met.

In the church today the perpetual scramble and struggle by sisters to be known faithful ones is beyond explanation. Many of this seriousness do not have a part in their internal being. Spying through their innate feelings, one would observe that such struggle has some backbones. This backbone might be a prospect with them or just to see if a same pace could be maintained with the person of her vision or a, would be husband. All these are done in order to still appear pleasant to the prospected person.

            A popular saying goes that birds of identical plumage flock together. All the same, everyman seeks earnestly to get paired up with a person of similar belief. Unnumbered religious groups crowed around the glob, each member seeks seriously to get coupled with a person of her own belief so that there would, assumeably, be understanding among themselves. A Christian in the same vein needed a fellow Christian. A good Christian even needs a more faithful person than herself who could carry her along in faith to pair up with. It is this sort of faithful partners that Saint Peter maintains that her continuity, no doubt, even with words coupled with modest conduct is capable of converting the husband.

            In this matter, if a believer betroths a fellow believer, he expects her to grow more and more in faith as days go by. This expectation remains a scrutiny in him because of the reasons best known to him. These reasons vary with persons.  When this keen interest for expected spiritual growth became rather attenuating and the zeal in the partner dwindles either of the partners begins to fades up. That is when partners lost confidence for the other.

            Spiritual attenuation on prospective couples are as a result of some purposes exceptionally known to the partner which could be either as a result of his inability to attend to her demand or that she is influenced by external factors such as friends, bad mentors and comparism of any just sort. Following this reason as soon as a partner begins to draw back, the other’s heart fades up of the pleasure he derived from her, and before she understands, the man decamps. Many girls over this factor have resorted to camouflage and pretension so that their man would not understand.

            Deviation from the focus of a partner.

This is the final and most scrupulous factor among all other factors. All these demanded carefulness, even the more care, one needs to be in order to keep his spiritual expectation and growth. But much more care is needed in this factor especially when a partner fails to dissimulate against the other. Fault discovered on this area usually affect the female partner heavily. Due to the extent of the love the man has for her he might take up the burden upon himself bearing the accruing expenses: this is possible if the person is handy .But when the man is not handy then the journey becomes a separate one pending when the promise will be actualized.

            Everyman in life has a particular focus. This focus, to each individual, forms the basic principle in searching and a base of expectation on the partner to be. Many like business while others like education. In the local setting, outnumbered individuals like farming. All these basic sources of life resources have, respectively, specializations that form the base of choice making among one in their inclinations. The propensity for one in business to choose a wife is industriousness. To him education matters a lot but not too much. Many believe that education delays their activities and attenuate the tendency to which cash flows if the educated person should seek to be a salary earner. Being aware of the feeling on the man and the area of his delight, if the partner of such person treasures education, things may fall apart. So, for her, the best thing is to wield strength in making money, otherwise the man, seeing another persons that seems more industrious could turn to her. But it is no longer so this time. Everyman educated or not, wants educated partner. Many have come to realize that educated persons make more progress in business.

            The most influencing and affecting factor is that of education. What a farmer needs is just one that is strong and could tend for the family, assisting in the farm. She might be an employed worker, but employment is another language second to be known to a farmer and a businessman. Provided the salary earned by a partner is periodic. A farmer also depends on the availability of daily bread, except when the wife renders a providential support to ensure steady supply of food, the man loses confidence. But in education it is a different ball game.

            An educated male needs educated female depending on levels. Except in a situation where the man is financially incapacitated. In this case the lady may be educated later. This reason apart, a graduate would want his partner to be a graduate also or at least an NCE holder. Why levels are considerably needed is that, as a graduate of your sort, there are expectations of people on you corresponding partner. And his respect will be complete when he has an educated person who knows her stand academically. Yet, to be noted is the discipline of the man’s desire for his wife. This is very important because any man that specified a particular discipline has specific reasons for doing so.

            Just as the discipline matters, ones own discipline inside her discipline matters most to men. One that is brilliant and commands grammar would want someone of his type. If you ask him he will tell you that he wants a representing wife. Girls have ignorantly neglected these factors. In time past, a friend picked interest on a girl and devoted his time teaching her some sensitive courses such as English and Maths. He even bought some texts for her. When he did not see much interest of her’s over her studies, he tried to encourage her. The reply she gave him was that she did not have much to benefit from all the attempts. To the man, an opportunity for withdrawal was seen without puzzle.

            When the pursuit of the girl negates the focus of the man it is always a problem. It would result into another thing, probably to the detriment of the girl. But I will forewarn, to avoid the curse of God on the family of the man in case he bolts out of the betrothal yoke, he should make his mind and feelings known to the girl so that he will have genuine reasons for bolting out, if at all he should. Don’t dissimulate against her. and if for any reason the man wants to bolt out he should do so when the girl still have more chances to make choices. Following the scripture precisely, moral standard is widely needed. Immorality is the only excuse permissible for divorce and separateness. Seek seriously to understand the desire of your fiancé and follow him with care. If any requirement and focus lie which you cannot meet up with, try and discuss it with him or her. Let there be agreement, that’s all. Should there be any separation, the female should be the one to bolt out for reasons.

                                    Chapter Three.

               Balancing the Marital Equations.
                           

An equation is balanced when such equation is dualized and one is equal to the other. It happens mainly in equations that haves double roots such as quadratic equation. Balancing comes in when one uses completing the square method to find the root. Another can be experienced in simultaneous equation. Remarkable things about balancing equation are the involvement of equality, counterbalances and tantamount etc. Marriage also deserves balancing many equations. When marital equations are not balanced the couple suffers segregation, independent assortment, separation and isolated growth. Many areas in our marital lives have some gaps that needed to be filled up. Most often we feel the pain caused by the imbalanced condition of these parts. Perhaps, we have not been able to trace the end where it got pulled out and distract our peace. At times we trace the end but unable to fix it properly.

            The scripture has been at steady availability to refer our mind eyes to those areas and their solutions around us. But the spirit might not have been pleased to divulge them to us. Maybe because we have not given it an enabling atmosphere for it to wield the solution out in us or through us. We, the wives are in better position to attract God’s blessing and wealth but before this is done we must be at peace with our husbands without which our prayers cannot buffet the physical realm to reach the spiritual.

            To attend this balancing level and to balance them up we shall consider five different factors that will help our knowledge. These factors are indispensable in our daily family living. They are responsible for most of the misunderstanding existing amidst us and our husbands. Such factors can be seen as follows.

            Orders of sexual relationship.

This term controls the sexual factor. Marriage generally is not devoid of sex. It seems to serve as the fundamental reason for instituting marriage. However, many agree that God’s purpose for instituting marriage is for procreation. And following the line of this agreement, then sex is an unavoidable phenomenon. The rate at which couples clamour for sex from either of themselves apparently exposes that their mind view for marriage has been generally on sexual relationship in other to promote procreation. But as far as I did know, the scripture had never prioritized procreation and set it higher above companionship.

            Taking a critical look into this matter it becomes obvious; a notion to be accepted by all that life companionship meant nothing without sex. Well, as far as this is believed, the majority carries the vote. Not only that, it has become the main stay of couples misunderstanding. Sex, of course, is permitted legally by nature. Many husbands for these vouchful reasons had made their wives sex machines to be available all the time and her consent not asked for. Men see it a mandatory matter (request) which the wife must be ready for any time he needed her. No, it shouldn’t be so even though the scripture maintains that we obey them in all things, the Lord must not be so marginalizing to over rule the consent of the female folk in such a matter. To obey the man in all things does not mean that the woman should not express her willingness for such a momentary drama. If so be the mind of God, then the words of Saint Peter requesting that men should handle their wives with contempt because they are weaker vessels would be of no effect. What manner of strength should a woman possess to make her available for every moment sex even if she is a slave to the man.

            Such a wanton desire for sex and the inability of the wife to meet up with the demand for it clearly prove that such family keepers are suffering ignorance of the order of sex among couples. It does not lie on the man only. My research proved that many women try to make their husbands a production machine to satisfy them all the time. To the much evident, many women do not make due with their personal husband. It was very hectic on the relatives of a particular couple the day they gathered to settle the misunderstanding between the couple. Neither of them could tell what the matter was. Each instead demanded explanation from the other. It took them time before one of the men sensed what the matter was and called them privately for counselling.

            Ignorant of some factors in marriage leads to incessant quarrel, fighting among couple and even divorce. But I want to say that such persons are ignorant of the orders in their sex. You may not understand if you have not witnessed it. Some years ago a woman was murdered by the husband. She was newly delivered of a child, the man could not endour and wait for the complete relaxation of her pelvic ligament and demanded for sex. When the woman couldn’t respond to his demand, he murdered her. The linage even hitherto is suffering the spilled blood. This factor had held many believers to backslide and unnumbered brethren had joined harlotry. Our families today no longer portray the supposed image of the creator as infidelity develops everywhere, both the man and the woman all encompassed.

            Now, naturally, there are two sex orders in the sexual ability consideration among married couple. They are high and low sex orders. Everybody on this planet earth is grouped under these two orders. Those of the high sex order, unmentionably have rapacious feeling for sexual communication. They are hardly satisfied by one woman. The reason behind their intercourse with another woman might not be really that they want to marry another wife. But the rate at which they demand for sex is so high that their wives might not have that stamina enough to sustain them and satisfy them if she is of the low group. The woman being as weak as many of us will not feet in better. This matter cannot be solved by psychological optimism. To control such people, the wife needs to be around him steady.

            The second group is the lower sex order members. This group has less demand for sex than the first group. They do not derive much joy in sexual relation; instead they see it as the fulfillment of obligation most eminently to gratify the demand of their partners and to encourage procreation. This group, instead of having sex, desired some of those pre-sexual communications such as kissing, playing with the partner etc. many among this group are very strict to the point that they hardly stay with their partner. They are always busy and pretentiously weak. Seemingly, many hid themselves under the cloak of spirituality. But I would warn men to be careful in the way they treat their women to prevent prostitution and exposing her well to men outside her marriage to drink from. When the matter with spirituality comes we should be spiritual, but in time of marital relationship we should be a bit canal to see that we balance our lives up.        

            In this various cases a man of high sex order should marry someone in that group to avoid prostitution and burning in lust. People in the latter group should do likewise. In this is the equation balanced in the various aspects. When these conditions are not balanced there is usually a problem of dissatisfaction among couples. It doesn’t matter if one is a virgin or not. Ladies also fall under either of these types. A virgin for instance who is of this high sex order, if finally married to one in the opposite group, she is bound to develop and show a rapacious demand for sex than the husband can cope with. At times when it is experienced among us women it is always hard for the male counterparts to believe that the person was raw before coming into his home, except for the off rush of the virgin flow at the first display of the drama. When these matters are displaced among the couple, the wife should be available for the husband always and should stay around him. I can only tell of the female’s part, but this solution can only be disclosed through consultations; not here in paper prints. Else the couple should see the doctor for advice. This apart, if one finds herself in the opposite part, especially when the wife falls under the low group, the best thing she should do first is to refer it to God. In the first place we women should be sure of our place of prayers and make sure that we are close to the master. Nothing, I believe, is so hard that god cannot control it.

            This is one of the reasons why the teacher demanded that one has to search. Many things God had laid in the mind of Solomon that, to summarize the whole matter, he said that we should search. If one finds at the end, he will have peace enough to enjoy in her matrimonial home. Understanding will be an easy game and the family will epitomize the image and purpose for which god instituted marriage. Many that gave deafened ears to balancing this equation is noted for uncontrolled child birth. It is as a result of the fact that the man could not control his urge, and the wife seemingly frustrated could not protect herself.

            A broad example of one that suffered mixed sex order in marriage is prophet Hosea. He married a high sex order woman while he was of the low group. Gomer’s problem of infidelity was not as a result of her natural inclination to prostitution but that her sexual position was hunting her. If her matter were prostitution and not that of sex order she should have stopped harlotry after her marriage. Of course, many had led such life and ended it up as immediate as they were put in a marital position. But to a vamp, a nymphomaniac and a promiscuous fellow the case is always different. She couldn’t relax in her matrimonial home because Hosea does not have time for her except at the time of procreation. He was rather too spiritual and very much conservative that Gomer could not be satisfied. It is this sort of unmindful situation, not paying attention to the burning of the wife that breeds the rampant cases of divorce in our families. If the history is traced structurally you will notice that Gomer did not end her life in one proposal. They separated after three fold of childbirth.

            It is to avoid this sort of unsuccessful marital journey that I so desired that this equations be balanced. It will help much and promote long life if these equations are balanced. These are explained below.

            High + high = balanced high order (BH).

            Low + low = optimal low order (OL)

            Where OL > low and ≤ high.

            H + L = deformed low and deformed high (imbalanced).

         Therefore, H ≠ L.

Any home suffering a situation where high order is not equal to low as shown in the example above (H ≠ L) is apparently doomed for unprecedented unexpressed quarrel. At times it is the cause of the acrimony partners have for each other for a long time. This, for fear, is hardly voiced out. It is abstruse for majority to believe that 30% of the misunderstanding that crops up in our families has these imbalances as their root. The imbalanced nature of this equation, where the man withholds his spring or that the woman closes her well, it does not bread quarrel only if the more induced person is self controlled pending when the partner will be ready for her. Nevertheless, this is not supposed to bread quarrel. One person, except for cogent reasons agreed upon by the couple, should not be kept in perpetual feeling for the other. This is because a consistent deprival of demand for the other could lead to the dissemination of the family milk and exposure of the family well outside the family circle. You can help preserve your family secrete if you have been affected by this problem. Again you must be considerate to each other.

Spiritual factor.

The spiritual condition of the couple is of much concern. Marriage is balanced most when the couple is both Christian. The wife still stands at advantage. She will be free from unnecessary quarrel and excessive stress because the husband, being of the same faith, appears to understand her better. She as well has a better stand in approaching God. The family stands in a better position to influence God aright in their prayers. For they come in the same mind and purpose to present their matter to God. In this condition, her mind is free from much thought as joy and peace occupy her mind. Should their be a problem, they will both understand it and device means to tackle the problem.

            It was Saint Paul who gave the advice against marrying an unbeliever. He still advised that a believer can keep with an unbeliever if he or she knows he can.  But this is on a special situation. Paul was talking about couples who were both unbelievers in the past and later had encounter with the salvation grace. He meant that the couple should not divorce each other if any of them, being an unbeliever in the past, should repent. Paul believes that the other partner can still repent when he sees a deep difference in the other partner’s character. But Paul was in this manner talking about another thing. He was talking about the purity of the child which will result from the union. It is of great benefit if the couple should be both believers. When they are of the same belief system and faith their understanding level for each other will be higher compared to when they are of different religious background and belief system. Amos 3:3 says that two cannot walk together unless they agree. The problem here is simply agreement. And people from different religious background, you know, hardly come to consensus.

            Marriage has one shortcoming which only a consensus mind can conquer. It is not devoid of problems and misunderstanding. It doesn’t matter how happy a particular marriage may appear before your eyes, it has one or more problems it bothers within. Or, it may have just survived a particular problem by the time you see it. These problems may be with them but another person outside the family would hardly discover. The reason for this is that the couple has one mind and is decisive to bear one another in a same mind. Many marriages are suffering childlessness but the way they bear each other someone around may say that it is not disturbing them. Many other problems are there. That is the most benefit of the couple being of the same mind and faith. When the two are believers, whatever the problem appears to be, they try to settle it at the feet of the master. Each bears the other’s weakness.

            It is beneficial, I said, when the two are believers. On the area of spirituality, both should know their position, but the wife should devote more time to seek the presence of God. The home belongs to the woman. She is the one who stays in the house more. The husband is never steady in the house and does not know the detail of all that happens in the house except what the wife tells him. The mother should try hard to guard the home through spiritual warfare. The man cannot be available at all the time. Many a time he comes in late and tired from work. As he arrives the next thing is to eat, shower and jump to bed. When he is greatly disheveled he may not have the strength to pray. If the wife is the weak type in such a situation, automatically the devil will find a means to come in. It is helpful when the wife summons the courage to keep watch for the family.

            On a very important note, the wife should not use the pretence of being in the spirit as a defence to torture her husband. Some men hardly eat alone without the wife. Some of them hardly feel comfortable eating outside his family. God will Judge you guilty if you keep your husband hungry because you are fasting. Make sure that his food is ready and served each time. If he is the type that finds it very hard to eat alone, you have a higher task. When you are waiting upon the Lord, try as far as you can not to avoid him. Make him to understand you in a good manner. When it is time for him to eat you must serve his food and prepare him to eat. When you have done this, do not leave him alone in the dinning. Stay closer to him. Serve him water to wash his hands and bless the food with/for him. Make sure you stay around him, discuss with him while he eats. Make him feel as if he is eating the food with you and see that he feeds alright before he leaves the house or go to bed if your fast is extending to the next day. When this is done you can go back to your place of prayers. And, believe me; you will experience a large joy and peace to approach the mercy seat of God.

            What about the day the family has a general prayer? If the prayer is combined with fast, you should try the far you can to understand the strength of everyone in the family. If the children cannot go beyond 12.00pm do not suffer them to starve. When the husband is of the same strength with you- you can suffer him to tarry. When he is not too strong you should consider him and know when best to end the fast for him. At that very point you can suspend everything you are doing and feed him before returning to your knees. The same thing applies when you are traveling. If you know you are not going to return that day, make provisions for the family to include the days you are going to be away. Cook and put in the refrigerator and make provisions to include eventualities. Have it in mind that they may not be able to manage things the way you do. So, keep extra. Do not say that their father is around. Remember, he too is your child. And as the rest of your children, he can stumble at the management involved in the home.

            Attend to your husband as unto your head and sometimes as your child. Yes, he is your first child. Or do you doubt it? Then you will have to tell me the person you suckled first; your children or your husband? You will find a better place in the heart of God when you owe no duty to your husband. Remember he is your god even before God. As long as the hierarchical order remains fixed, the wife is the last in the ladder.  The man is the head of the wife. She is accountable to him, while the man is accountable to God. If you are lacking in your service to your husband (the god you can see) you can do nothing to please God. He placed the man to watch of you; he is your head. It doesn’t matter the name you have given him out of hatred, he is still your head. If anything is wrong with him, turn to God who is the head of the man and ask Him to correct it. Be obedient as Sarah whose daughter the scripture had called you.           

   Skeletal factor.

Here is concerned with the framework of the body. And why skeleton? many may ask. This is called up because of the balances required to be carried out in our marriages. Psychologists and scientists made us to believe that the more sensitive part of the body concerned with the reflex actions is housed in the bone. To measure the height of the body attention is drawn to the bone. Bones make up the complete body. Now the scripture noted that the man is the content of bones while we, the women, are made up of just a rib each. Researches and brain work have made us believe that as a woman grows tall her ribs too are being affected, but her spherical condition does not reveal this to a general view. This condition posits the nature in man. This condition is what we shall consider here.

            A physiological man possesses a set of ribs that measured 12.5cm to 16.3, 5…8cm depending on the size and height. This measurement is considered on the seventh line of the set of ribs. Short and skinny people possess ribs that vary according to their thoracic capacity. Short and less skinny men have lengthier ribs than people that are tall. Few giants possess ribs that measured 16.5cm and above. On the part of women, fat women have lengthier ribs due to their thoracic-abdominal features. The condition in most cases is different with the two sexes. Women roles in motherhood naturally conditioned some parts of their body. For instance, women breathe with their chest. This was designed by nature for procreation purposes. The flexibility and elastic condition of their diaphragm enable a constant movement of the chest during pregnancy. So, as the woman grows fat her ribs continue to gain shape, repositioning her to gain a curved position, after this the development of the body muscle follows. While for the males, their fatness gains advantage in the enlargement of the body muscle, and lastly the protruding of their tummy. Their ribs do not change from the usual, instead their belly pulls out. It is so because men are abdominal-thoracic beings; they breathe with their stomach.

            Following the above situation, the equation automatically varies with the order of sex in their balanced condition.  Instead of S ≠ T, it is S = T. In letters we mean that short and skinny men are best fitted to tall women, and tall men are best balanced with short and average height women. The equation is balanced in this way. Nevertheless, this has no advanced effect except that when the arrangement is altered the couple may succeed in producing a child with over secreted pituitary hormone. Therefore, to balance this factor as I have explained above, we have S = T. when the rib brought is longer than the space provided for it the result becomes rather inequality with S ≠ T. in this condition the couple is likely to suffer imbalances and dissatisfaction. When S ≠ T and T ≠ S it is either that the rib will not meet the attaching edges provided for it or that it is longer than the space provided for it. In any of these conditions the equation is not balanced and in such a condition the survival of the marriage cannot be guaranteed. Little thing can lead to their break up.

            Now, the mystery remains that tall women are likely to possess more forbearing fluid to expiate and tolerate the conduct of their partners than short and skinny women. They are endued with the strength to bear the wrongs of their husbands. Instead of bolting out they rather cling, believing that things may change any time. The more volatile ones among women are short people. Short women hardly bear things easily. They are often convinced by the instinct which speaks in them that they are neglected and treated thus because they are small. They felt often that they were cheated by the nature. This is the set of people that preferred actions to words. Next in that volatile condition are people that stammer.

            Above all these bases of skeletal considerations, my advice remains that the couple to be should try and give their minds a thorough training first. Marriage deals with the maturity of the mind, not the size of the body. Nevertheless, the body size still should be given due consideration. But in a case where you are married already, nobody should think of divorce. When the mind is given a due training followed with your preparedness to still remain one. Search for where the problem has been coming from. If it faults on you, the husband, try to put your house in order. You cannot expect someone to come from elsewhere to do this. When it is from the wife, the husband should try to understand that she is just a rib; not even a bone and try to accommodate her in his mind. Then you the wife has your own role to play and this is to do all you can to restore the supposed peace of your family.     

Material/intellectual factor.

A popular slogan by the family planning and support programmists says that the woman will be of better assistance if she is educated. They used that medium to advertise the education of the girl child. It is very beneficial for the couple when they are educated. Education of the couple has much relevance to the mutual understanding of the couple. Education liberates not only the girl child but the family in all ramifications. The man should be educated, so also should the wife.

            The necessity of education of the couple does not meant that people who are not educated are not good for marriage, no. The unavoidable thing needed is the education of the mind which untimely promotes the mental maturity of the parties. Educated people as well as the uneducated are good for marriage. But, if not for background problems, I would advertise education of the couple as one of the utmost priorities. As much as I know, many of our mothers are not educated and this had never separated them from knowing their duties in the family. Many of them even did better than us today. The only difference is that they had lacked behind in the prior knowledge of marriage and slightly lacking in the required knowledge for sex and procreation.

            In a case where the two are educated, I shall advise that the man be more educated. Education in the notion I am talking about now is not being brilliant, I mean qualifications. This is advisable to free the woman’s mind from the temptation of greatness. My research found three families; one has the husband late while two still have their husbands alive. You may not believe this story. These three wives were trained by their husbands respectively. The men on their own parts ended their education in secondary schools and joined business. The one that is late happened to be a secondary school dropout; he stopped in SS 1 and went for apprenticeship because of financial difficulties. To cut the story short, these three women are academic doctors. Two shuttles abroad but their husbands are mere peasants. The late man died a cobbler. In their families today, their husbands are treated like strangers. Their children too joined their mothers in this act. Maybe they are doing the same to their father because of the kind of story their mother has filled their brains with. They see their father as a good-for-nothing man. This is simply temptation of greatness that has overtaken these women.

            If the both are of the same education level the woman should not take the chance of them being of the same education qualification. I advised this way because I would want to install a true submission in your marriage. To avoid being tempted this way, the husband should be encouraged to further a bit higher than the wife. But when there is a true understanding of each other among you both the need for this may not be, except when, for economic reasons the family becomes made up to add feathers to their certificate.

            The woman is the bedrock of the family stands. She can make or destroy the family. Some aspect of these I have explained in the other factors. The wife is the main person noticed in the home. Therefore, the task of building the family depends on the far she can understand and work towards it. A lot of duty is expected of us by the scripture. To prove your virtuous quality, the scripture says:

The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

                                                             Prov.31: 11-12.

If I am permitted to reverse and reposition this statement I will say thus, she will do him good and not evil all the days of her life, then the heart of her husband will safely trust in her. The second verse re-emphasizes and remobilizes the first. We can see here greater responsibility on our part. That you are the bread winner of your family and, may be; care for your children’s education does not make you the head. Don’t even see it in your own eyes that you have done a great deal of deed. It is the reserve of your husband to commend you. At times the man may not be the encouraging type. In this condition the wife has an added duty. Apostle Peter demands that we win such a man through submission and selfless services. He may not understand now but as time goes on he will come to himself and understand your job in the family.

Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: Many daughters have done well, but you excel them all.

                                                                  Prov. 31:28-29

Solomon and peter, as well as Paul are invariably saying that wives make their husbands. It does not mean that you have the strength enough to overpower him. You do not, but your understanding of your place in your husband’s life creates a greater opportunity for you to make or destroy him. Men expected to be tended like children by their wives. He expects you to understand when he is troubled within and when he needed your care. If you are watchful you will see it on his expressions. Every movement of your husband has something to mean. It may be he is worried, happy, confused or needed you attentions. Your understanding of this brings you closer to him declaring you virtuousness. Consider the woman explained above. She accepted to play the role meant for her in her family, giving the whole of her strength into the service of her family. She was a fitting helper to her husband. Check the extract above; who has been commending your activities in the home? Your children, your husband, people in the streets or your secrete boyfriend?

            The scripture called us helpers. That does not mean that we are relegated to the lowest point, no. It rather tries to divulge the weakness of the men folk. The general meaning of helpers apparently explains the superiority of one over the other. The superiority could be in financial stand, academic stand, human psyche, adjudication, wisdom and understanding, economical management etc. The helper must stand high in order that he might position himself to help the person in need of his service. And this is what God made women to be. What a marvelous position!

That means that, as a helper you must be available at all time to help the person within your rendition. What you have to do is to find the part of his incapabilities and begin to help him from that angle. If he is a stammerer, help him by holding your own words while he speaking to avoid him from becoming annoyed. If you discover he had spiritual problem, don’t mind involving him in your prayers, set out time and pray for him until the matter is settle before God. That is the area your help is needed then. If the man’s problem is that he doesn’t know how to take good care of women, don’t mind much. That is not much problem. What you need to do is, just don’t retaliate his actions on you, treat him as supposed for a husband and find time to let him know his duties. You can invite him to some of the marriage seminars in your church. Then search the scripture and discover the part that treats your problem. Dwell on that potion during your discussion period and I your prayers. There is no level of prayers as long as handling your husband is concern that your strength cannot carry you to. If the man should turn King Saul overnight to suffer some psychological trauma, then you may be required to learn to play David’s role to him, playing piano to restore his psyche. You shouldn’t expose your husband’s weakness by exacerbating it. You prove yourselves mad people living together if you do such. When you, as a helper, could not help your husband you indirectly prove yourself not worthy to be put in a home as a wife. You might feature well a concubine, not a wife.

            You make yourself not worthy for the wife you are when you allow the misunderstanding in your home to call the attention of people from outside. You should help to patch the leaking part before others even your parents discover it. Solomon is saying that your job is not complete until your good work makes your husband to trust safely in you and see no further need for spoil. Take a look into your family and see how far you have taken the part of your husband because of the little talent you find in your life which you know your husband does not have. How many times have you fought or quarrel your husband in a bid to prove to him that you are right. You struggle with him over matters and you think you are doing well. Come back to yourself and understand that you are just a helper, not the head. Correct your wrongs before you lost your home to careless acts. You cannot build a better home through such means. Make a change now.        

                                                PART TWO

                     ATTAINING THE REALM OF ONENESS.

       

Having read from the first part, considering the requirements for a suitable partnership, it becomes necessary that having highlighted the prerequisites of the entire journey we should make everything very plain by bringing to our noses the real thing which marriage actually mean. This is the expectation of the creator for instituting marriage. This knowledge of the background, launching us to this point of the discussion, will expose our minds to how we can make our marriages a fulfilled type to promote the honeymoon that is endless. We are brought into the point where we can understand why God has often lamented that He hates divorce.

For the LORD God of Israel says That He hates divorce, for it covers one's garment with violence, Says the LORD of hosts. Therefore take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.

                                                                                                            Mal 2:16

The general target for instituting marriage is to create a forum where the man can have a closer person, which is the same and one with the man, with whom he can put head together with over matters for proper decision making. He uses this concept of becoming one body to enshrine the inscription in our hearts so that with the passage of time we can come to the fullness of the knowledge and then understand the deep meaning of His pursuit for us being made one with his son. The ground level of this required understanding is made to be in our mind following the knowledge expected that we would gain through our unions. The concept, in this novelty, clarifies us that we are not in ourselves just one self alone but a self extended to another self that comprises more than one self, still in one self put together to properly fix the dependent self into the self that embodies the whole selves to form a self. It is at this point that the concept being one body is purposefully achieved. It is very abstruse, but as you read on we shall get all these in a simpler way to enhance understanding.

            Life is all about unity and pair. We are born in pair, live in pair and shall leave the stage in pair. Born as twins; some of the same biological parents and others by different biological mothers. The parts of our body are of composite parts. They are either, left and right or up and down, all are in/on the same entity, the body. Every other part not in pair is subjected to a future pairing which is fulfilled when they shall be respectively made to pair with the same component of its pair in another person. The three notable pairs subjected to post marital or pre natal pair includes: the mouth, novel and the sexual organs. They are so kept because their completion lies with the coming closer of another in another person. The pair period for novel is pre natal, the period when the child is still attached to the oblican chord. The rest fulfill their pair in marriage. These aspects of completion are achieved through the concept of oneness.

            The abstruse self is also the resolute self. Its base is the oneness of our families. The concept pair is concerned with the different entities that finally meet each other to make a sole. These shall be made clear in the succeeding pages.  

           

                                          Chapter Four

                         The Selves in a Self Made One

                     

Because of the crises in our families, the urgent need thereby arises that we go back to the foundation to dig out the fundamental reasons for the institution of this concept, marriage. The war of infidelity has taken over us individually and collectively that our homes are engulfed to the extent that it appears hard for us to understand the foundation upon which our marriage stands. There is an urgent call back to base, the base of the foundational principle and purpose for which we are brought together. This foundational purpose is the concept of oneness. For the original principle, the scripture has the following to tell us.

And Adam said this is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

                                                                                                Gen 2:23-24

            All through the explanations in balancing marital equation I tried far and hard to bring into light the matter that this chapter details. Nevertheless, it would be good that I have, but the chances allotted and the requirement of that chapter may not have permitted me to buttress the whole matter without getting to this point. We were able to achieve equality of the marital equations. From one equation to another with the vivid explanations given, I hoped that my discussion will be fully digested here. Our consideration here concerns the meaning of the statement above by Adam.

            Now remember the statement in Genesis 1:27 which said thus, So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. God created in Adam male and female. So at the time appointed for the female to be made, God caused dam to fall asleep during which time He calved Eve out from Adam. When Adam woke up he discovered incompletness in him resulting from a removal of a part from him. Of course by Adam’s statement, what has gone out of him are two things (part), flesh and bone (rib), not just a part. These then bring us to two aspects of oneness by Adam’s notion viz. the equality aspect and the possessive aspect. Adam’s view of dependence is what explains the far he understands in his mind about the whole situation. Outside this point by Adam, we still have the equality concept.

  Equality of the concept.

The equality aspect is different from the Adamic concept of partnership. The equality concept is the creator’s view for marriage. It contrasted the mathematical arrangement of humanity. Humanity has it that two separate entities are the respective element of each individual number or a whole number. Each individual or a whole number is naturally independent and asserts separateness except when they are made to come together to produce a sum total of the combination. Take an X and another X as two separate figures. When these figures are made to combine they will form a whole number of more degree than each of the figures individually. Viz. X + X = 2X. That clarifies the point which states that when two elements are combined it will give rise to a third element which also belongs to the universal set X.  But the divine equality principle holds that when two elements of a universal entity are combined they will definitely produce a universal unchanging entity. The divine equality does not produce a combination that is going to be more than an entity. Everything combined must be equal to one. This is in the view that everything begins in one and shall surely end up in one. One is an invariably unchanging entity.

            Mathematically, when two figures are combined the result of the combination will be two or other figures greater than one. It is explicated thus:

                     Humanity                            Divine

                        1 + 1 = 2                              1 + 1 = 1

        Where  2                                where 1

                      2   =1                                    1 =2

The definite unchanging “1” in the divine aspect of equality is so because of the fixed condition I have explained above. This notion is typified in the trinity.

            Now, this divine equality combination is seen practical in the human perspective only in marriage. Nevertheless, the concept may be considered jaundice. It is very plain this way, when the husband is joined with his wife in a holy matrimony, they are taken to be one body. In our own understanding and perspective we only see them as one because they are one body and manage a home. This is a plain fact in the eyes of everybody.

            The husband is just an entity, so also is the wife. These two bodies are never one flesh in that way. Yes, the fact remains that they are considered ordinarily as one, but in the real sense of things we know that they are one because they are two different bodies as we can see them. They are two individuals made up of different sexes. They can only be one when nature comes to play. The nature role meant here is the result of there coital actions.

            The coming together of a man and a woman always foreground particular dramatic information in the mind. This dramatic information is also called conjugation or copulation. When the drama sets in two materials are involved in a condition that one allows the intake of the other. At this very point the two entities are no longer separate but one. The drama I mean her is sexual intercourse. This activity allows the male sexual organ and the female sexual organ to come together to produce a child. Therefore, at that moment the sex organs are together the two partners are one. This is considered so because during sex, the couple is not separated. During this momentary drama, they are internally transfigured to create another self. This momentary coupling is only a process that assists in the creation of the resultant self. This created self is the symbol of their togetherness. In this they one because the child to come out of the union shall consist of the both blood brought together.

            Viz.

                        Husband + wife = offspring.

                        Man        + woman = child.

This is the aspect of, “they shall become one flesh,” in Genesis and, “they are no more two but one in the epistle of Paul to the Corinthians.” Outside this they are in no means one.  

            Coming back to our linear equation, which I call the divine concept, I hope it does not require further explanation. In this the value attached to a      particular entity is not considered unlike the situation with the human concept. Humanity sets importance on the value of the figures. The dept of the divine concept is anchored on the words of Adam. When he woke up he only saw similarity among them both and said that Eve is the bone of his bone and the flesh of his own flesh. He did not declare that they will be one flesh. God did. He (God) said:

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. Gen 2:24-25.

The point was made to enhance understanding of the oneness using equality approach.

The two selfs in a self made one.

The concept of the unseen self and the universal self from where the element, self, of the universal salf had come, is an Adamic principle of self. I call it the possessive approach or aspect of oneness. This also, I have noted earlier as connoting ownership or belonging. This declaration by Adam seemed to end in its literal meaning, but it has much more meaning than the mere consideration of possession. Adam said.

“This is now bone of (my) bone

 And     flesh     of     (my) flesh

…, because she was (taken out) of man.”

The words “my” as used here are possessive pronouns all of which are focusing directly towards the objective nouns bone and flesh. Reason for this indefatigable possession is seen clear in the third sentence. The very phrase “taken out of” proves the authenticity of the possession so explained. Adam has something to tell us. Now, look at the first clause again. It reads thus “this is now …” the application of “now” here shows a repossession of something once taken from him. That is to say, it used to be mine before, but suddenly I began to look for it. Now that I have found it, it is now mine. That is where the addition above comes real.

                1+1 = 1

   Where   1    

                1    =   2

The first one is the male self, added with the female self to result into a universal self. Where the universal self could be taken for a man and the added self a woman, yet in the whole circle of the universal self. On the fraction is man the numerator, divided by the unseen self (God) to make up two separate entities of the self and the extracted self. That is the self that, from it, another self was removed, which later shall be made complete by adding up the extracted self in order to make it a whole self.

          Adam was once a complete man before Eve was made. Later he was caused to loose his rib for Eve to be made. When Adam loosed his rib to Eve he was no longer a complete man. This incompleteness remained in Adam until when Eve was completed and brought to him. He inspected Eve carefully and discovered his missing rib in her. At this he was happy and feels complete again. Then he was pleased to give her the name Eve. This is to say that no man is complete until he leaves his father and mother and be joined to his missing rib and the flesh of his own. By this means he repositions himself. In this condition, will anyone say that he is not complete?

            Often times we lost some of our belongings. Some of them we find later, while some we do not find at the end. The ones we find, luckily, do we throw them away saying because it was once loss it is no longer ours’? I know we don’t, instead we make possession of it again. That was the situation with Adam. In the beginning he was just a (one) person. Later he was splinted by God to make him up to two people; him and Eve. At the end God returned Adam’s missing Eve to make him complete again. After he had seen Eve he declares her the self that was once taken from himself to make another self and now the self is brought back to the mega self (Adam) to make him a self composed of two selfs. (Note: I don’t want to use selves because the couple is one, not two. By selfs I refer to two in one, not two individuals seen in two separate senses. Therefore, I prefer to them as selfs)

            You are not different from your partner. She is yourself, but in extension. With her as an extracted self from you or by the result of your union with her (child), you are both one. The scripture calls them your members. As your members they are also your parts, your make up and your component. Just as you cannot separate your hands, legs and other component parts of your body, so also you cannot separate them because they are your very self.  This is what I mean when I said that we are not in ourselves just one self alone but a self extended to another self that comprises more than one self, still in one self put together to properly fix the dependent self into the self that embody the whole selves to form a self. At this repossession point the couple becomes one flesh. This is the aspect of oneness in the flesh.

                           

                                  Chapter Five

            

                           Oneness in the Spirit

                                  

     

“That is why a man will leave his father and mother and is united with his wife, and they become one” (Good News Translation)

                                     

In the general view of oneness, what people have in mind is the idea of becoming one flesh, maybe because King James Version of the Bible said so. The journey is not complete with just becoming one flesh at the axis of procreation as many minds can conjure. This alone cannot guarantee endless honeymoon without the inclusion of the aspect of the spirit. Mere recognition of our partners as just our splinted part which was later brought back to complete our nature may not be enough to inculcate the degree and the richness of God’s purpose for instituting marriage. So, becoming one flesh is just to let us know that we are not different even though we are born of different parents and homes. A consolidated aspect of this oneness is the aspect the scripture says that we are united into one.

            We become united when we are no longer separated. Good News translation presents to us another aspect of oneness than the idea of becoming one flesh as Adam pointed out. I may on this note say that the King James Version appears to indicate the approval granted by God when Adam declared that Eve was the flesh of his flesh. Adam said - this is the bone of my bone and the flesh of my flesh, for so reasoned she should be called Eve because she was made of a man. To affirm this, God said – oh yes! And for this reason, as long as the world remains, a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife and they will both become one flesh. Good News reveals here that God was talking of an ideal concept which epitomizes the real thing represented with solemnization of the couple. The real marriage that God mentioned exist somewhere, in the world, where everything exists real; the realm of the spirit. The proof of this concept is felt by the mind which becomes made up first before the display in the physical. The very one we see and call marriage is just a display or the representative of what God does to the minds whenever the concept marriage holds. I shall show us what God meant by that statement after Adam. Adam had just spoken as though he knew what God had truly done to him. The mind knew it, but Adam lacked the exact words fitting to express what had happened. Seeing he was not clear, God then comes in. 

            Ordinarily we know how difficult it looks at our infant stage to leave our parents to stay with another person, even when the person is a relative. At this time we act naively towards our environment. We treasured our environment (our parents, brothers & sister and neighbours) and feel it is the only place we can survive. At this period the child calls everything that belongs to the family “our own.” I call this period the neuter stage of the child. This ignorance keeps the child from understanding the voice of nature inside him. So, as he continues to develop the voice in his mind continues to become vivid gradually. This is a relatively continuous activity in the child until he begins to understand the difference between him and the next person around him, probably his brothers and sisters. This continues in the person until he begins to approach his developmental stage of life. The final stage is attained when the child begins to set value on things outside the family than he finds pleasure in the things inside. By this time the reality has began to appear to her that she is just a visitor in her parent’s family. I call this later stage a fulfilling stage because it is the most active stage one human. At this time he or she involves his or herself in a search for what only her mind eyes can see, understand and approve appealing to her person. That is her suit.   

            The implication of this period is a continuous search of one he may have not known for the first time. This time he begins to respond to the inner voice even though he may not know the true thing which it has ministered to him. This is a desire spontaneously planted in us by nature. Every one on earth feels the same. This is the spontaneous desire that compels a girl to hide herself from her father but opens it to another man biologically different from her. To fulfill this desire in him, he begins to share companies as a means of learning. Can you tell what possible thing that can make a man or a girl to say before the parents who he had ever felt secured in their arms that he must marry someone, opposing the parents’ decision? Tell yourself the answer. Your answer to this question prepares your mind to what shall be discussed down pages.      

            The constituent of our hearts as human beings is such a type that they are not, and should not separate their pair features in life. Apparently, our hearts are composed of two parts not separated. The both parts possess equal constituents; the upper auricle and the lower ventricle. These equal parts are made to bind themselves together before they can work effectively. In the same way it requires that our hearts be blended and bind together by a cord which has no break-off point.

            During solemnization, the couple is offered a cord in the realm of the spirit. This is represented in the physical with the ring offered to the couple by the officiating minister. This dramatic ring is believed to bind the couple together as a husband and a wife. That is the only thing we could see, the ring. This is the wedding itself. Every other things attached to this are part of the ceremony, the same also is what the population was called to witness. And, of all the ceremony that same day, it is this aspect that makes the heart shakes. It indicates a witness borne by God and affirmed by men present in the wedding. The ring in the physical represents the spiritual cord which God uses to bind the couple’s minds together. This is the final stage of the humanity struggle for self independence from the parents. Even when the couple leaves separately this feeling is usually there.

            No man puts his wife away and feels happier except when the wife is a witch of a woman. Consider how you feel when things are not going the way they are supposed in your relationship with your partner. You can tell how restless you ramble on your bed of comfort when your partner is not happy. These are some of the emotional concern that nature had put in your lives for each other. It is a spiritual affair; your heart is bind together with that of your partner in the spirit. The interconnectivity amidst the minds of the couple is the place God looks at each time about your family. The Grey Messengers, in “In the Light of Truth” misinterpreted this cord as spiritual tag. Therefore, when there is a problem you shouldn’t think you can hide it from him because when the trouble was yet a thought in the mind of one of the couple God has seen it before it began to manifest in the physical. Your hearts are ever before Him. From there He sees the very person who created the problem through the continual struggle of his heart to pull out of the cord. That is why Saint Peter advised the couple to live in peace so that their prayers can be answerable. From that moment when one of the hearts attempts to pull out God sees it and refuses to answer their prayers again. Look at what Malachi said:

And this have ye done again, covering the altar of the LORD with tears, with weeping, and with crying out, insomuch that he regardeth not the offering any more, or receiveth it with good will at your hand. Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth.

                                                                                    Mal 2:13-15

God may not be very much concerned with the ring couples wear on their fingers. It is just the shadow of the original thing existing in the world unseen. The spiritual content of the solemnization is what appears before him continually as a residue. The cord in the spiritual realm is the representative of the physical marriage before God. He united you into a body, whatever each of the couple does is for them both and that is how God sees it. So, their prayers are not answered because, even when a partner is praying for his own personal matter, God does not see the prayer as belonging to one person. He sees it as the concern of the couple as a body. As immediate as you kneel down to pray, the residue of the cored will appear before God. Immediately, it will send message to your own heart. The last verse requested that you “take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the” other. Although we try very often to wave it over, God does not allow it to leave the presence of our prayers because it must be settled first before any other prayer points can be answered. As a couple, no one can pray long or effectively when the cord is not fitted well. This is the cause of the pandemonium that befuddles our heart in time of prayers. Do you know why? It is because you have offended your very self; a member of your body.

            This situation does not persist when you offend another person outside your union. You cannot be troubled that much because there is no cord binding you together. The person is another self different from your very self. Our problem is that we understand our marriage as a struggle to cleave instead of being united. It is unity, not just cleaving. It has a spiritual background, and after procession the residue is kept before God as a memorial. Just as the scripture reveals thus: And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one?

            To this extent it is clear the concept of oneness in the spirit. Marriage is bigger and mightier than our view of it as just taking unto ourselves for partnership purpose. Matters are far dealt and muchly discussed, even accentuated fully by the scripture itself to prove to us that I did not just conjure the topic and frame it up, rather by the reason of inspiration I have been caused to see reasons from the scripture concerning the way our marriages attract God’s concern as long as we would want to make our marriage a mutual perpetuating instinct which will stand the test of time.

            I don’t know the condition of your family. What is going wrong among you? The scripture levied the blame on you two. You refused to play your part and things had begun to fall apart. You experienced it, but you have refused to react positively to it. It doesn’t matter whether the cause is from you or your partner. But, because your prayers again are no longer answered, you have to look back and correct what you think have gone wrong. Dear, look into the cord of your heart what has happened to the residue of your corded heart? Check out and see it, and make a redress. You are not two but one. Don’t defraud each other, else you offend God. It is on this stand that “Good News” affirmably treats oneness only at the expense of one flesh. The concept of unity here refers to adding more than one thing, making two units into an entity, a unit, one, a whole and a sole. God never is not happy with our marriage because of the way we handle it. He is offended. Consider another translation of that passage in Malachi.

“…because the LORD witnessed the vow you and your wife made to each other on your wedding day …Don’t the LORD make you one with your wife? In body and spirit, you are hi…” (New living translation)

           

            Because the Lord created you both, he owns you and understands the happenings in the spirit that is the residue. God is watching.

           

When the residue is perfected

Waiting in great expectation for when the united heart is perfected is my major plight in this part. That is, could this condition be perfected, if yes, then, when? It is when the residue of the spirit becomes sophisticated, adhesive and solidified such that it does not have a sustained wound as a result of the perforation by the binding cord again. At such point the oneness is completed and the corded hearts are compelled to glue up to each other. This connectivity enables the heart to understand the feeling of the other. At this point, when one partner is absent, the other can represent him in anything that needs the attention of the two and still give solution exactly the way the absent partner would have given. That is, in every condition one would not need so far the suggestion of the other in an urgent matter, yet he will speak the exact mind of the other who is absent. It is very hard, but is obtainable.

            Ever family cannot get to this level. It is however the mind of God that every family attains to this height. When He demands that the “a two” becomes “a one;” just as He is one with the son, He also expects that we be corded and fluid into one, breaking all forms of alienation. This, I think is the mind of God

“But we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being changed into his likeness from one degree of glory to another; for this comes from the lord who is the Spirit.” (RSV)

“And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the lord, who is the spirit” (NIV) II Cor. 3 : 18..

            The potions above will help us better to see from our noses the formula for this attainment. But to enhance understanding, we shall consider propagation of plants. To propagate a plant you must either cut off a part and make it stand alone (that is in the case of layering) or you cut off a branch of the desired species and graft it on another plant which is of the same plant but of, perhaps, different species. When we graft we normally use rope to tie the grafted branch strongly attached to the body of the existing tree on which we want the branch to fit in.

            The rope used to tie them together will be there until when we discover that the grafted branch has fitted well on the stem of the plant before we untie it. In any case where the rope is not removed, keep the destination at close observes the plant closely. After many periods as the plant continues to grow, its body generally will keep expanding. At a time the plant will begin to absorb the rope. It will develop increasing cover from one level of body expansion to another until the rope is fully absorbed. The same situation holds in our marriages as we gasp graciously towards making our honeymoon an endless one. 

            As we continue to grow in love for each other the cord becomes as well absorbed by our conjugal hearts. The absorption continuous gradually until, at a point, the code becomes dully absorbed as our heart continues to fatten up. Soon the cord will be covered and the vessels in the two hearts grow from each heart to the other. In this condition they join together and remain inseparable until death does them parts. This activity takes place on the residue. We do not take notice of it because we do not feel or see the activity physically. The residue is the main stay of our marriage. Any marriage that has attained this level of growth is hardly splinted. If either of the partners dies the one left usually finds it very difficult to survive. He will not find it easy because he has lost half of his being. But a marriage that has not attained, or is not on the process can easily break down over a minor issue.

            The activity involved in our heart towards attaining endless honeymoon is an increase improvement transcending from one degree of transformation to another. This is achieved through the constant reflection on our unveiled feeling and love for each other. Our residue shall come unto perfection after we have changed from one degree of love to another, ever increasing until we take the likeliness of ourselves; a perfect level where our minds are made unveiled to each other. By the reflection of the love for ourselves I mean the get-together feelings for each other which perpetually remain a day-to-day activity in us, ever increasingly. This means attaining immortality in our mortal existence. At this point the equation becomes wholly balanced thus:

                 a + b = o

             → a = o – b and

                  b = o – a

In the whole we have a =b and b =a.

In this condition they are equal.

At this point we achieve the mind of the maker for instituting marriage as a concept devoid of dispute or separated nature to make our life a fulfilled one. God is God and not a man. He desires unity among us because in Him there is no division. All things are made one in Him who only is one. It is when this prerequisite are achieved that one looks forward to receiving the blessings which God promised to our union. May the Lord himself, the author of knowledge teach us and guard us into practicing them amongst ourselves.

           

Building a residue of your own.

By ever increasing reflection of our love for each other, we mean the husband getting assimilated into his wife and the wife likewise. By assimilation, I mean making your partner a living organism in you, not just existing. An existing object can be seen but not always, but a living object is seen all the time. That is why the scripture demanded Christ living in us, not just existing in us. When you are living among yourselves you shall grow respectively in your minds like a living organism which is characterized with growth. By ever reflection also you get mature in yourselves. By the time you are mature in yourselves you can see each other steady, not only when you are both present physically, but both in your spiritual eyes. At this point you can carry your image everywhere you go since you are living inside each other. Through this you can form and build another residue for your marriage apart from the one God has build in your spirits by reflecting upon your love for each other. At the very point when you can carry your partner about as a living object in you, you will no longer be compelled to seek your partner’s opinion before treating matters in his absence. This is possible because the couple bears one another in their inner places. You only need to consult your partner in your mind: you bear his mind and he bears yours, and he will answer you. Make sure you speak from the dictate of your inner mind.

            This process may appear incongruous. Now, have you taken time to ask yourself why people give birth to a child that resembles you or your husband? This is not generally the function of gene. Two things are involved in this. One is obsession while the other is transfiguration. These two concepts counter each other and occur in different sexes. Obsession takes place in the female while transfiguration takes place in the male. The former makes use of image while transfiguration uses diffusion. God is not richly concerned in this. He is concerned most on the distribution of our gifted potentials to all the children He makes in us at any given time of life. Man manipulates the semblance of his kids. Nevertheless, greater part of this activity lies with the woman who controls the intrauterine environment. During coitus the man enjoys the communication he is involved in, at a point he changes transfiguratively. This happens within seconds.

            At the moment he is about to transfigure all his parts both spirit and body are affected. He will lose control of his life until he has fully diffused into the wife. Ordinarily we say that he has attained orgasm. Maybe because his body relaxes after that very moment. By this process he can possibly produce a semblance of himself. On the other part, if the woman bears and feels the husband’s image in her mind steadily at this particular time she is likely to bear a child that resembles the husband. If she is concerned about herself most, there is no doubt that the child will resemble her. If the woman part is still confusing to you-you may need to consider why a woman can give birth to a child that looks like her house help. This condition is concerned with environmental influence. Nature comes in when we have built a residue for ourselves. When nature comes she distributes.

            This simply means becoming ourselves, the equality of the couple. Our hearts are required to grow fat and fatter in the spirit to fully absorb the cord around it. That is the residue of our creation, the remnant heart from where we are created. It is attainable only by ever increasing in the reflection on our love. Be also reminded that it is fat that absorbs the cord, not muscle. Exposure to heat, over time, can make the fat to burn off. So you have to guard and protect the place of your family love with every jealousy. Only few have attained this level. Nevertheless, many are yet to attain. Every marriage has a residue with God, but not all have built a residue of their own to reflect upon. This is the aspect of oneness where a = b and b = a, or 1 + 1= 1.     

                                      

                              

                                         PART THREE

            BUILDING THE MIND TOWARDS ENDLESS LOVE.

                            

Many families crash after a joyful celebration at the altar where they made solemn promises in the presence of greater population. Many have regretted the choice they made about their partners while greater numbers are living with their pains. A lot of factors may be blamed for this condition. The more remarkable problem recorded from my research points bother on the disappointment either of the partners discovered over the other. Many who rushed into homes without giving time to examine and perhaps fathom what would be the circumstance surrounding their marriages have been victims of some of these circumstances. These are some of the reasons why it is advisable that one becomes convinced about the person he or she is choosing. Both parties should understand that no one on earth has the best character. If there is, then I suppose the person would want to get another perfect person before he or she can get married. All of us are deformed by one factor or the other. All we achieve after marriage is to understand our weaknesses and build each other up to our taste and desire. Note this, there is no perfect match; we all cleaved to meet. The perfection only comes after solemnization; when God unites our spirits.

            The first thing a couple is expected to do is to build their own mind individually. Set the mind free from hatred. That is, trying to adjust your mind to accommodate some of those things you have hated passionately. Yes, you have to do this because those things you abhor might be the content of the partner you will choose at the end. Many men are so strict and shouting. Eventually the girls they finally love and bring home are people who keep things anyhow or girls with some psychological problems. Except such a man should build his mind in a way that he will not be shouting easily at a glance else the tendency is there that he will soon be a widower. As long as we are prepared to love and possibly get married we must also learn to adapt to some unusual circumstances.

            I met a woman who complains that her husband spends time with ladies outside her home. Eventually she caught him one of the days with a young lady. All she did was to fall on the lady. Do you know what the man did? He just drifted a bit and allowed the young girl to deal with the wife. By the time I was through with her she was able to understand that she had caused the whole problem. According to her, her husband had complained seriously that she is not romantic. She is the type who had been brainwashed in her church that the essence of sex is just for procreation. And as funny as she could make herself look, she took everything the way it was said and pattern her mind towards that. Look at what the scripture says:

Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love

                                                                                                Prov 5:18-19

Maybe this part of the scripture is missing in her Bible or that of her pastor. Nobody can change another person’s character by fighting the person’s behaviour. Characters are changed by influencing them for good. Look for those areas you have not been doing it aright and make a change of it in your own lifestyle then the person you are trying to influence his own lifestyle can take your own as a model.

            Anyone who wants to build a tarrying marriage must remove his mind from his religious affiliation when it comes to sex and romantic display. It is even a sin against God Himself. Your breast, your mouth and your body belong to your partner. Understand me; marriage is an entirely different institution of its own. The role of your religion and pastor, if you have one, is to give you proper direction. Your pastor can only give you guide, it is not his duty to influence your choice. I know more than three ladies who had grown old without any husband and their stories had been that their pastor told them that a certain man seeking their hands was not their right person. The worst mistake, the pastor still did not tell them who the right person was and how they might know him when he comes. The utmost things I have said from chapter one; assess your mind and know its contents. Don’t expect that I will digress here to repeat what I have treated. In this chapter our concern is on what to do to keep the family’s love.  

                     

                                     Chapter Six

                       

                        Preserving your first Love.

     

At the time of ice cream and fried rice, those days of busy movement, there is a kind of love you build. You saw some of your partner’s weaknesses. Many of these weaknesses you did not fail to complain, but you took the wrong approach to do this. You did not complain them to your partner in fear that he or she might end the relationship if you do. All you did was to complain them to your friends. That is where you got it all wrong. Had you complained it to your partner she would have build her life against such complaints. Instead, in order not to provoke her you have decided to bear it. But let me ask you, to what long do you hope to bear all these? Be careful you may die before your actual time. Another big mistake is to continue to beg your partner to accept you against his or her choice. This is as dangerous as digging a grave for oneself. Even the scripture warn of this to the Ephesians.

Nevertheless I have somewhat against thee, because thou hast left thy first love. Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen, and repent, and do the first works; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will remove thy candlestick out of his place, except thou repent. Rev 2:4-5

            Marriage should be devoid of such endless plea. Look properly and see whether the dominant problem in your family is not as a result of the precondition which you have been resolved to tolerate. Here are some steps that will help you to maintain the first love.

            Be naked to your partner

The soul of marriage is on the courage the couple has to be naked to each other. When a partner still feels shy before the other it invariably means that he or she is not mature in the mind to be admitted into the institution of marriage. My involvement in this program has exposed me to so many things. A lot of things are still very difficult to so many people in this modern period. It sounds very funny to believe that some girls still fidget in the presence of their husbands. It may be unbelievable but I am here persuading you to believe it. It is very true. I have met more than two situations like that.

And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. Gen 2:25

The first step is to learn to be naked to each other. It is fundamental to this course because anyone a person cannot appear naked before him she will find it very hard to live with him. This problem is dominant among girls. As for the men, they do not attach any value to being naked. If there is anyone among them who does, then they must be very few. This might be due to the simplicity of their body structure. They do not have anything delicate to be concealed or to feel ashamed for. As for the woman, almost every part of her body is delicate to be exposed.

            Many women even feel frightened to themselves. This kind of people always feels shy to open herself to a fellow woman let alone an opposite sex. The source of this inferiority complex is caused, some times, because of their kind of body. Some of these include the size of her breast, hairy body, bushy private part, stretch marks and others. Some have discharge uncontrollably. To some, chronic ailments which they have hidden for quite a long time have made them to behave this way. They man may not know some of these things due to the short period of courtship. Some times the couple may not have had time enough to know each other. Christians are more likely to face this kind of problems.

            Nakedness entails knowing each other properly. It gives the partners the opportunity to understand each other well and device means to overcome the dominant problem if there is any discovered. To be naked for your partner tells of the actual nakedness but to be naked to him means another thing. The latter means to disclose to him whatever you know about yourself. This is expected to be done before solemnization. If this is done the partner will understand whether it is something he can bear. Nothing should be hidden to each other that needed to be known to each other. And as a body, the couple should learn to bear one another’s burden. Each person should see the problem as if is him that has it. The more pressing thing is the issue of being naked to each other. The case with sex can be gradually tolerated as the other person tries to build his or her mind towards it.

            Just as it applies to everyone else, it takes years of trying before one learns how to use sex properly in marriage. The same way, it takes a space of time for the partners to get used to each other before they can make sex a constant practice. Therefore, at this primary stage the couple should be careful and learn to tolerate each other. Whatever they do at this stage determines whether the family will survive or crash. Another thing couples should understand about life is that one is not sexually active at all time. Couples should seek first to establish deep feelings for each other. When this interconnectivity of the couples is achieved sex will begin to form itself in the couple gradually. And from this gradual process it will grow rapidly to a constant practice.

Redefining your partner.

One of the major causes of the instability suffered by many families is their inability to recognize the actual value of their lives individually. The man often tries to prove the fact that he is the head of the family. He appears some times to take the wife with no regard. He feels the woman is nothing, especially those women that are kept at home. They are more likely to harbor this set of ill mated on the female folk. Working class women are rarely treated this way. In the same way, women who discovered themselves in the promising position to the point that they are the financial pillars of their families mount some level of neglect on the man. When it is the woman who is favored, there is likely to be problems. A lot of factors can make the woman feel tempted because she is the bread winner.  Some times the wife is dully influenced by friends. When it happens she will begin to look for points that will make her tell the man that he is more of a fellow woman. When you see this kind of family, watch out and you will see that either of the two is living above the other financially or socially. The simple reason is that they have forgotten the position of the other in their hearts.

               The only thing that can change this conception in the mind of the couple is simply to undertake a course on fidelity which will aim at teaching them how to define each other. God calls the wife “a loving deer and a graceful doe,” and calls the husband “the head of the wife.” The far the husband understands that he has only one doe, and the wife understands that she has only one head, no man will teach them before they will see needs to redefine each other’s value in their hearts and actions. How happy it is for the partners to be all alive. The joy in it is more than the money we had preferred over ourselves. But these common values can hardly be understood when the both are alive. Take a look at the stress widows and widowers go through you will see the reason to thank God for the one you can see and call your partner. Have you ever seen a widow complaining to her stubborn children that their father should have stayed to bear this with her? That is the time she understands that she has lost the head that bears loads for her. The ever troubled man is the one whose wife is dead. That is the time he will understand that, although he is the head, a head without neck cannot comfortably stand. Could you imagine how stunted such head will look? Stunted in virtually everything and always angry without a defined cause.

            What a joyful thing having your husband by your side. At least you will be free from every unnecessary embarrassment from men outside. At working place, if anything happens you have someone you will come back home and report to. Do you realize that a widow has no partner she comes home every day to report matters to? The man may not have money but people outside still respect you because of his presence around you. Yes, they still fear to molest you on the way. Do you know why? Even if a man is not strong he cannot stay alive to see a fellow man molesting his wife. Instead he will fight to the last drop of his blood. Why? It is his precious thing, his doe that has been molested. Of course the person who did that has challenged the manhood of your husband. Except when the wife is a disrespectful type, then otherwise will be the case.

            Do you know the height of joy in the heart of the wife when her husband intervenes over her digresses? She feels very joyous and elated. So, if friends should tell you that your husband is not doing fine, be courageous to tell them that he is still your head. Set more value for each other even than you have had in the past. You have no other head outside your husband. So also has your husband no other doe if not you. Learn to esteem and encourage each other. No one is like you. Try to make your marriage a thing that people will come from a far place to learn the way you were able to create the joy that never fades away in your home. Ironically enough, do you know that the woman that Solomon spoke of her virtuousness had a dormant husband? It may please you to read Proverbs chapter 31 again. The man had no farm of his own. All he could do was to eat, wash himself and take a walk to the village square. It was the wife who was a merchant. Yet she cooked for the family, not the husband cooking like a widower. Very early in the morning she woke up before others; prepare her merchant goods, cooked for her house even when she had a made. I don’t know whether you have turned your husband to a cook in the pretence that you are working. Nevertheless, when the husband has done it out of love without the wife prompting him to do so either vocally, by her manners or equivocally, it is not bad. Let everything be done in one mind.

Learning to be patient.

Another thing very important in a relationship is to cultivate a listening habit. One of the important of being together is for one to get someone with whom he can converse and share thoughts together. Marriage demands listening among the partners. To listen is the best way of receiving information. It is an easy way of avoiding unnecessary mistakes. Listening is supposed to be a common sense, if there is any.  It is another form of being patient. It entails care and doing things in the proper way. A family that knows how to listen to one another would hardly be affected.

            Patience is one of the contrasts among a man and a woman. The man likes to do everything with power. He enjoys showcasing muscle. Because of this, when the woman demands for a listening ear he sees it as an act of cowardice on his own part. But women do not like to muscle situations. As it is usually said, women are naturally weak. They do not have the type of strength that can make them feel they can muscle situations. So, instead of doing so they prefer the strength in their mouth. And on countless situations women have prevailed over matters through their tongues. Men on the other hands have used strength to spoil so many things.

            Men are naturally made soldiers. They take preference on the display of authority and power to any other thing. So, for the wife, the best thing to do is to listen to his command in the first place and obey it. It will not save any situation if the woman tries to struggle with him over issues. He will see this attempt as a challenge to him as the head of the family. What the wife should do is just to obey. Say yes sir to him and, while he is still there, try to do those things he has commanded. Then later she can make her own point as a suggestion. Her duty is to suggest. With mellowed words there is hardly a command by the man that his wife cannot influence. The woman has to know her roles first and how to discharge them. The reason God puts the wife closer is to help the man in time of wrong commands.

            The difficulty in the discharge of this duty by the wife leads to the inability of the husband to understand the in-thing in what she is doing. The ever interference women had done to their husbands is all for the good of the man and the family, except for some bad types among wives. All they are trying to do is to protect the man but many men do not understand. Men hardly understand why a “woo” was attached to the term man. It is the duty of the wife to woo the man to the right position. They play alike roles with the human neck. As the neck, she carefully woos the husband to various directions. When the man wants to show muscle they try to woo him down. They had feared what ever thing that will expose the man to dangers. This is what they have ever pursued to achieve because they cannot afford to loose their heads.

            One thing God did which many men had found very hard to understand is placing the woman between man and nature. If the man is likely to see danger in the nearest future it will be revealed to the woman. Why? She has the power in her tongue that is capable of holding the man from taking actions that might expose him to the danger she has foreseen. A man who fails to understand the role of his wife is likely going to be a victim of so many circumstances he never dreamed of. So, learn to be patient and lend listening ears to your God given wife. She is a doe given for your satisfaction in all things. Share your thoughts with her; she always has a better contribution to make. That is her part as your wooer. A man that has a wife who cannot woo him aright is doomed of short life. I even doubt the survival of such family except the man is made up to manage the woman. Check the foundation of such family; it is not laid upon searching and finding. Building the mind is the responsibility of the couple if truly they want to be partners that meet each other.          

                                   

                                    Chapter Seven

                       

                        Handling Spirit Spouse

                      

Lots of complications abound in the treatment of marriage. Some of these complications make the victim usually dumbfounded but the latest discovery is that some of these have been responsible for some malfunctions in our different families. Yes, many of them are unbelievable mainly because they are discovered to be spoken by the adherents of one religion or the other. The resent discovering made by NEMAC made us to leave all our clients with one important advice. The advice has been that one should try to reflect on his/her past and check whether there is still an old debt yet to be settled. Through many of the families and intending couples we have attended to, the discovering made was that they had one commitment or the other which they have not given attention to. The same had turned around to hunt there relationship. Many a time we ignore some of these. Our discovering shows that many of them cannot be swept under the carpet. About these, I will treat spiritual spouse in this chapter.

            During my days in school I read The Concubine by Elechi Amadi but little did I know that such condition obtains in the real setting. I took it to be one of the moonlight tells of my early childhood education. It never occurred to me that a human being with flesh and blood can be a spouse of a spiritual being. How this could seem was what made me never to believe it. But presently I can attest to some characteristics that sound so convincing to any one around that spiritual spouse is a reality. And, in order to protect and preserve our union and relationship, it pleases me that I make my discovering known to liberate many others who may be under the torture of this circumstance. If you do not believe it I may not blame you because you may not have seen any, just like I did in the past. To make my point very simple, there is a thing like spiritual spouse. But it is a manipulation of demons.

             One of my clients was found in this terrible condition. She had been engaged for over seven yeas. Day after day as the engagement continues to grow, the two parties have had scored of problems which none of them could tell exactly where the problem had been sourced. We were made to understand the cause of these problems after our investigation of her body system. And I think it will be better to hear her direct.

“I had never sensed anything taking place in my body system all through my days in secondary school until when I secured admission into Ebonyi State University for a one year Pre Degree program. After my pre degree I was given admission to study Banking and Finance. But in my PD days I had one boy whom I have maintained till the day we left the university. It was in my second year that I began to realize some changes in my body system. One night I had a long dream where I had sex with a strange man. The following morning I discovered some discharge around my laps.

            This first experience happened during my ovulation period, so I took it to be the usual discharge as a woman. Little did I know that I was walking into a life unknown to me. Few weeks later I began to have another set of dreams. This time it was not sex, I rather saw myself becoming a nursing mother with a child in the dream. The first day I had this dream I did not feel any sense of nervousness as I thought it was in consonance with my anticipation of becoming a prospective mother any day. This has been the wishes of every girl. It only gave me worries when I went to the bathing room to take my bathe that morning. To my greatest amazement, I saw milk dripping from my nipple like what could be seen of a suckling mother. My nipple came out as though I was about to see my menses but my breast was as normal as the usual size.

            To save myself the shame, I refuse to tell anybody. For that very first period it lasted for about three weeks before my nipple became normal again. I could not predict the way friends would feel about it, so I did not let anyone know about it. The third time I experienced the suckling again a friend was in my room. That morning I forgot to check myself on time. When she saw milk dripping from my breast and my nipple swollen as usual she too was amazed that she had to ask me what was going on. That was the genesis of my problem. To be frank, I see this man often in my dreams but he had never threatened to do me or my husband anything, it is just that since my marriage there had been problems now and then.”

I don’t know how you feel haven heard this? I felt shocked when I heard her direct from the mouth. From what I know, people normally have wet dreams for men, and both gender do often times have sex in dreams which had been interpreted to mean so many things. I have taken dreams to mean the content of one’s obsession. As a Christian I know that having sex with another man is not good, let alone having it in dreams with a strange person. But in this regard (as it concerns sex) I had thought it is a revelation to inform the concerned person that he is no longer on the mark, for Christians. Each religion has different interpretations assigned to dreams, that is not our care hear but how to survive the situation when it sets on us.

            This is not point enough for one to back out of a relationship in any case one is confronted by it. The solution is not found in separation. It is demon that is manipulating the person. All the partners are required to do is to seek for a spirit-filled man of God who will speak to the demon and cast it away. The case with the lady above was too complicated because of the religious society she belonged to. They are both Witnesses. So they appeared not to believe on the efficacy of any man of God praying for them. Their religion did not believe in praying for someone. Her explanation above is one typical example of the manifestation of spiritual spouse.

            Another incident occurred somewhere. A woman was pregnant for her husband. One evening she was with her husband discussing in the sitting room when suddenly a man emerged from the door way without the door gliding. She alone saw the man walking towards her and she screamed helplessly. While on the bed that night she saw the same man in her dream coming towards her. He recounted the very evening incidence, he told her that he came to her physically and she rejected him, doesn’t she know that he is her real husband? The next morning the woman found her pregnancy missing. I don’t know what we may attribute this one to. If the woman had seen dreams first, someone might say she was hallucinating. Many more examples abide, all expressing the same line of thought. I believe this situation can be handled. But the partner should assist the other.

            Now, from the information I gathered from the Delta lady whose expression we read above, I was able to understand that we are the cause of some of these problems. The dominant ills she could found around herself which she thought were responsible for her case were the things she received from people. The problem we have generally as women is this problem of dependence. An average girt, especially students believes that she cannot survive only by the little amount the parents give to her. This condition had bred so many curses among girls. Girls have many sex partners, many a time not just for the fun of it but to gratify the luxurious desire in her for materialism. And who can tell the spiritual status of those people they sleep with. Many of them are ocultic men while some are politicians. Coming together with this kind of men can hardly be as free as we normally think. Look at what Saint Paul said:

What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh. 1 Cor 6:16.

Sex is a union we cannot ordinarily explain to meet the debt of God’s intention for it. It is a symbol of unity, and it is meant for one set of people. A deviation from this boundary invariably places the couple vulnerable to any eventuality.

            Spiritual spouse is not only limited to women, men too could have wives in the spirit world. Sex is the only willing activity that involves one’s body and spirit. I believe that men are prone to this situation most but because they are usually personal, it has been too difficult for people to understand. Many of the beautiful girls they pick from streets and campuses are not truly human beings. Sharing a union with such devil incarnates could lead to having spiritual spouse.

            The manifestation of some feature characterized some people that had these spouses. Greater number of them are misogamists. Many girls in this condition normally have records of broken engagements. They engage one person today and tomorrow they disengage. Check the life and an activity of such a person, a husband is somewhere manipulating her actions, even against her will. Greater number of them, both male and female have the problem of dissatisfaction from their physical partners. They hardly feel relaxed with their partners as couples. Some time they may be happy for each other but each time they have sex hatred for the other will come immediately. In some cases quarrels brake up at the time close to ovulation. The reason for this is to see that they avoid each other while the woman will be having sex in the spirit world, conceive and give birth to children. Such a person is under bondage, and except she is delivered, she may be childless all through her life time.    

            Some spirit husbands are harsh to the physical spouse of their women just as the case in The Concubine reveals. They make the woman attractive, industrious and resourceful while their husbands suffer difficulties and wants. Some spiritual husbands fail to tolerate their physical opponents. This condition had led to the death of some men and med their wives widows. They hunt their physical opponents at the time more staking. Two tragic events I know were as a result of this problem. The tragedy befell the couples a day prior to their weddings. The husbands died living the girls alone. There is one that happened recently. The prospective couple was to wed each other in few week times after their return from UK where they went to purchase the wedding materials. One night the man had a dream where he was confronted by a strange man. In the dream the man warned him to step away from his wife, threatening to deal with the man if he dared not end the relationship. To prove what he meant to the man, he struck the man on his right leg and he screened from dream to the physical realm. The next morning the very leg swelled and gave the man a severe pain. To save his head he had to end the relationship right there and then.

            We don’t handle this situation in the traditional way. If you do you may not be successful at the end. What to do is just to take the person to a place where he can be delivered. I have said earlier that the solution is not on separating or ending the relationship. Just see to what you can do to help him or her. When you have arrested the situation then you can come back to re consolidate your love and build yourselves towards endless honeymoon.   

                         

                                                Chapter Eight

                               “---And he shall receive a favour from the Lord”

                                           

Countless blessings of God accompany the marriage that involves the right partners. When one gets married there is always an expectation from the union which certainly is child bearing. The scripture has never called children favour; instead children have been called blessings from the Lord. It is God who promised fruitfulness in marriage. It is rather an inevitable expectation of every family, except when some unnatural occurrences set in and renders the marriage unproductive. When God says we should be fruitful and multiply, should it mean the favour mentioned here? I don’t think so. If that if what it means, then the statement could have been whoso gets married shall receive favour from the Lord. But this time the statement is different. The promise is restricted to only those who are able to find a wife. That means that she that is a wife has a hidden favour which ordinary eyes cannot see until she is found and made a wife. As a reward, he that finds her remains favoured. So child birth is not the favour referred to here. 

            A favour is something that is done to someone which the receiver does not have the strength to get. Favour, unlike blessing, is not a natural endowment, it is being attracted. It is acquired. In most cases it is worked for. It is a treatment that is generous to some people while to others it might appear unfair. Favour comes mostly when one has laboured for it. This is why the scripture restricts it to anyone who can find. Having laboured to find a wife, she therefore becomes a favour on her own.  But in the context of finding a wife, favour connotes an additional attachment to life generated from finding a wife. This means that there is an additional blessing attached wives which are not found in the life of every woman. Everyone wants the best for himself. Then, a wife that can attract this favour is needed.

            Now, by one obtaining a favour from the Lord when he is able to find a wife, the scripture tries to make known to us that the major blessings of God to any man is embedded in the woman who is his wife. So, the ability of any man to find his own wife exposes him to this favour which God brings. Many women had been the source of blessing to their husbands, while some have been the source of poverty to their husbands. To this set of women, as soon as they find their way into the man’s house all that the man had gathered over the years will begin to disappear gradually. Those who are sought and found rightly have been the source of wealth to their husbands.  They are accompanied by favour and as soon as they arrive the man’s house they begin to influence the man positively. But one thing is remarkable about this set of women, their husbands hardly progress until the wife comes in. It might be that she gives the man a little substance to improve on. As soon as the man works on the substance it will improve and multiply. Some women belonging to this set of women in favour only comes to the husband’s house to affirm the already wealth in the man and stir it. It is this set of women that God says you must search and possibly find before you can acquire the favour accruing to them.

            Lots of favour, assistance, gifts, helps and treatment lied in discovering a wife. These are the favour God is talking about. Therefore, if you have found and are married I will advise that you take care to digest this second part. But if you are still searching, you may concentrate on the first part more. With a better understanding of this book we can achieve an endless honeymoon in our marriages. May the Lord guide our hearts in doing this.

                

                                                                      The End         





From the author of Rootless Bleed and other works; Esther Chiamaka Nnamani. For commentary, write me at treasureme33@rocketmail.com.

As long as the matter about our lives and marriages are concerned, the knowledge we are required to have is endless. No knowledge about this topic is considered enough. As days come on, various activities are springing up demanding a careful understanding for their proper treatment. This book unveils to our understanding those aspects of marital lives that appear unattainable. Attaining this height brings us closer to achieving an endless honeymoon in our marriages.